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Armchair generals

Tuesday, July 01, 2008
It is almost axiomatic that every man in this country has to have an opinion on football, at the risk of having his masculinity called into question. The French, however, seem to go that little bit further - everyone has to have an opinion on football.

And so, L'Equipe, the French sports paper has polled the citizenry - all of them, or at least those above the age of 18, I suppose - as to their thoughts on the management of the national side. Before diving into the results, pause to mull on some of the Gauls you might know. Do they have strong, or even informed, opinions on football? I can think of a few that I would not trust to define the offside rule while standing on one leg....

Anyway, 52% want the manager to be given the Spanish Archer, 41% want him to stay, and a profoundly non-credible mere 8% have no opinion.

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Reds and double yellows

Friday, June 27, 2008
The main event of 2008, more eagerly awaited than the State Opening of Parliament, the EastEnders Christmas special, the FA Cup etc is upon us - the annual unpaid parking fines by embassy hitlist. Here's the story from 2006.

Drumroll please.

And rising to the lead from seventh is Sudan, with £75,100 in unpaid fines. An outstanding advance from the measly £15,620 in 2006. Well, the law - moral, divine or black letter - has rarely stood in the way of the Desert Hawks.

The United Arab Emirates shows itself to lack the big match temperament, losing the lead and dropping to fifth. Its due fines have near halved from £42,950 to £24,670.

'Our friends the Saudis', the perennial nearly men (stress men) of parking fines move up to second from third, with an increase from £24 k to nearly £39 k. Well, it is a funny old game, but if the Riyadh lads up their work rate and commitment and give it 110% on the park (Lane...) next year they could be in for some silverware.

This year's dark horses are the Kazakhs, storming in from the steppes of ninth to a Champions league spot at third. Unpaid fines haver nearly tripled to £28,180.

The Chinese managed to grind out the results and sneaked fourth place, up from fifth.

Last year's semi-finalists, Germany could not keep up the pace needed to compete with the big boys and tumbled to a lowly 37th. Despite what the pundits say, no team is too good to go down.

Sneaking into a UEFA spot are the French, rising from ninth to fifth. Back of the net!

The International Maritime Organisation managed a highly creditable £2,010 in unpaid fines. Unpaid mooring fees have yet to be made public....

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Failing marketing 101...

Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Shamlessly borrowed from West Ham fan site, Knees Up Mother Brown, a screengrab of how Stevenage Borough FC are plugging their new kit:

Go on, click through. I am not making this up.

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Nice work if you can get it

Thursday, May 22, 2008
From whichever glove puppet is Brown's spokesman this week, referencing the Man U / Chelsea game last night:

"Asked who was representing the Government in Moscow, the PMS said that it was Andy Burnham and Gerry Sutcliffe".

Quite why it was necessary to send anyone 'to represent the government' is the unanswered question, let alone two. Burnham represents a Mancunian constituency but follows Everton. Sutcliffe's loyalties are unknown, but he is a fellow grammar school boy and therefore can't be all bad, his being a socialist notwithstanding.

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Free money?

Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Something for any other gamblers out there - Real Madrid vs Levante in the Spanish Primera Division, this Sunday. Not because RM are top and Levante are bottom, but because of this:

"The threats and warnings by the players of Levante soccer club were officially voted into concrete action yesterday, as the team decided to go ahead with a players’ strike starting this Saturday for an indefinite period, which will affect Sunday’s final game of the season against champion Real Madrid at the capital’s Santiago Bernabéu stadium". (Source)

RM can be backed at 1.2 on Betfair. If the Levante second 11 turns up it will be slaughtered, and if the game is forfeited the bet is cancelled.

(If anyone fancies the bet, e-mail for a referral to Betfair as it gives me a kickback)

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A little bombshell for the Premier League

From our friends in Brussels:

"The Commission recommends to sport organisations to pay due attention to the creation and maintenance of solidarity mechanisms. In the area of sport media rights, such mechanisms can take the form of a system of collective selling of media rights or, alternatively, of a system of individual selling by clubs, in both cases linked to a robust solidarity mechanism".

Two points. Firstly apologies for calling it the Premier League. I think of it as the First Division and always will do, but had to use the current form for sake of clarity. Secondly, 'solidarity' is eurospeak for redistribution. While the sport white paper is filled with hedgings and caveats, it notes very early on that 'sport is subject to the application of the acquis communautaire, or a legal land grab as we might term it in less high falutin' terminology.

Here are some figures a Grauniad journo used in August:

"The Premier League's bottom club can expect £30m from TV this season, a 50% increase on last year's £20m. The average Premier League club will receive about £40m from TV, top clubs about £50m. Championship clubs' TV revenues, plus the new ladder payments, may amount to about £2m each, but the gap with even the Premier League's bottom club has grown from £19m to £28m. Overall, the Premier League's £900m a season dwarfs the Football League's £33m. The £11.2m basic payment being handed out to the 72 clubs is only 1.2% of the Premier League's deal".

Might a litigious lower league club want to argue the toss about 'solidarity'?

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'North' / 'South' fun and games on the other side of the channel

Monday, March 31, 2008
Anyone with even the most limited knowledge of English football will know that to supporters of London teams, all teams north of Watford are dirty northern, ahem, blighters. Likewise, Cockney is applied to teams a long way from the East End, including Portsmouth.

So much for the context. A cup match in France saw a banner aimed at the supporters of Lens noting 'Pédophiles, chômeurs, consanguins: bienvenue chez les Cht'is', which could be rendered, roughly, as 'Pedophiles, dole scum and inbreds - welcome to the North'. Nice, huh? The banner wavers supported Paris St Germain, hence my placing south in inverted commas in the title.

Here's a photo of the offending banner, borrowed from Le Figaro:

Le Fig's news pages reckoned it 30 metres long, the Lens club chief 25 metres and Libé 20 odd metres. Still, who cares about accuracy?

The Lensois are incensed by the whole affair, and want it dealt with as though it was racially motivated. The mayor even wants the game replayed. Yes, really. Best not mention the opinion the rest of France has of Paris.......

(Upon reflection, inbreds is a better translation than incest lovers)

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Erm, not quite

Monday, January 21, 2008
An extract from a report in The Times of India on Broon's Indian junket:

"Complimenting India on its test victory over Australia, Brown shed his normally grave countenance. "I congratulate India on a famous victory - beating an Australian side who have won their last 16 games and doing so away from home." England's long cricketing feud with Australia clearly fuelled Brown's enthusiasm for India's historic win.

I wish I could believe that the hack penned that with tongue firmly wedged in cheek, but I fear not. I have not seen the Australian press getting worked up about the comment.

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Strength through joy

Wednesday, January 16, 2008
Messing about with national constitutions seems to be all the rage at the moment, and following on from the French stopwatch nonsense, the Germans now face the prospect of "sport becom[ing] a constitutional objective".

It turns out that fads have been incorporated into the constitution, or basic law before, as it was with tree-hugging a few years back:

Art 20 (a) "Mindful also of its responsibility toward future generations, the state shall protect the natural bases of life by legislation and, in accordance with law and justice, by executive and judicial action, all within the framework of the constitutional order".

I feel sorry for those Germans who just want to sprawl on the couch and watch anything but fußball. Maybe they can be persuaded to take the World's Largest Outdoor (and Indoor) Steroid-Abuse Fest off out hands.

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Quote o' the day

Thursday, January 10, 2008
Today's quotee is Pope Benedict XVI, and his topic is football:

'Benedict voiced the hope that [football] ''may increasingly be the vehicle of the values of honesty, solidarity and fraternity'''.

And to think that Italian (and indeed, our own) footballers have been accused of diving, acting up, feigning injury, insulting referees, linesmen, fans, managers etc etc.

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The future belongs to London. And Plymouth Argyle.

Thursday, December 06, 2007
From Hansard:

Helen Southworth: To ask the Secretary of State for Culture, Media and Sport how many qualified football coaches are active in (a) boys and (b) girls football in each UK region. [170105]

Mr. Sutcliffe: We do not hold this information. However, I can confirm that DCMS and Sport England are currently funding nearly 250 football Community Sports Coach (CSC) posts, broken down by region as follows:

  • East 35
  • East Midlands 4
  • London 80
  • North East 7
  • North West 23
  • South East 19
  • South West 33
  • West Midlands 28
  • Yorkshire 9
Perhaps I spend too much time analysing data during the times I am actually working, but those figures struck me as less than proportionate to the populations of the English regions, and so they proved. London is the most over represented - 15% of the population but a third of the coaches. The West Midlands, East of England and the South West also get more than their fair shares, while the South East (fancy...), East Midlands, Yorkshire, the North West and the North East get - to descending degrees - the shaft.

Hence my headline, whereas it is not looking good for Brighton & Hove Albion, Reading and Southampton, for instance.

The previously obscure Helen Southworth (about whom I can discover nothing of interest at all) represents Warrington South, and so could have a good old moan about the fate of the North West and feel aggrieved that a range of clubs in her neck of the woods are not benefiting from better trained teenagers.

The respondent, Gerry Sutcliffe is almost equally as dull, and could pout and whinge about his home club of Bradford. However, he has given me the amusement of this quote: "In the 1980s we didn't take people with us. We had trendy Wendys and Nigels who enjoyed spouting left-wing politics which they had never lived, and who didn't want people in the party who didn't understand procedure". Bar Ms Alexander, the only Socialist I can find in Westminster/Edinburgh/Cardiff is Nigel Griffiths.

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The greatest seer since Cassandra

Tuesday, November 27, 2007
Would appear to be Michel Platini:

"Look at rugby; there are always teams who will win and you can guess the last four every time. The best teams always win".

After all, everyone knew that the last four of the Rugby World Cup would include the Pumas, did they not? I expect he took the bookmakers to la teinturerie....

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So /that's/ why the Croats won yesterday

Thursday, November 22, 2007
"MOSCOW, November 22 (RIA Novosti) - A LUKoil vice-president announced on Thursday that he would keep his promise to give Mercedes cars to Croatian players after the Balkan side beat England 3-2 at Wembley". Source

Or possibly not:

"However, Ivica Olic, formerly of CSKA, and the scorer of Croatia's second goal, rejected suggestions that this or any other undisclosed financial incentives offered by Russian businessmen contributed to the team's performance".

Good job he specified 'car' as otherwise the Croats might be in line for a van. It remains to be seen whether they will be getting keys to A-Class Mercs, or something further up the automotive food chain.

(Jeremy - consider this my response to being tagged....).

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Clash of the Titans

Friday, November 16, 2007
Israel vs Croatia at cricket. Yes, really. My money's on Israel, as it "is currently ranked as the 12th-best non-Test team in Europe by the ICC. Croatia is ranked 17th".

The winner will join France, Germany, Jersey, Guernsey and Gibraltar as qualifiers from European Division Two. Note that there are two further European divisions.

However, the Israeli government has not been treating the game with the respect it deserves:

"The Croatian ambassador will attend the game, but there will be no official Israeli representation.

"The [Israeli] sports authorities have shown such disdain to cricket in the past two years that we didn't even invite them," [Israel Cricket Association president Stanley] Perlman said. "They don't understand the first thing about cricket, they have no respect for the game, and we don't need them for anything." Nevertheless, he added, flags will be flown and anthems sung".

Anyway, time for a quote (no, not that one from Mugabe): "Say that cricket has nothing to do with politics and you say that cricket has nothing to do with life". John Arlott.

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Gaddafi speaks, or rather spoke

Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Muammar Gaddafi, or "Guide of the First of September Great Revolution of the Socialist People's Libyan Arab Jamahiriya" / "Brotherly Leader and Guide of the Revolution" has a website, and very pretty it is too and available in a variety of languages.

He does not update it very often, but I have found an interesting diatribe against FIFA and the World Cup:

"The World Cup was established to achieve a social and psychological benefit for people. Nevertheless, what The World Cup has achieved is the exact opposite. First, beware the deadly diseases caused by The World Cup. Medical research has proven, and will prove further in the future, that those who have football (soccer) mania, and those addicted to the game are most at risk of psychological and nervous disorders. Those disorders in turn are the leading causes of heart attacks, strokes, diabetes, hyper-tension and premature ageing".
....

"Second, beware the hatred, enmity and racism generated by football".

....

"The World Cup has strengthened the extreme right and the racist tendencies in the world. The irrefutable proof of this is the fact that the associations that support sports clubs are racist associations of the extreme right. Where is the conscience of the world?"

However, he likes Sepp Blatter: "Mr. Blatter is a prudent man. He is not corrupt personally. I respect him". Opinions differ on Gaddafi's second statement....

Meanwhile, how did Libya do in the 2006 World Cup? Well, it did not qualify, but it did make it to the second round of the African qualifiers after beating São Tomé and Príncipe 9-0 on aggregate. However, it came fourth out of six in the group 3 stage, despite beating Sudan away, and both Benin and Egypt at home. And they have not made it into the African Nations cup for next year, although maybe the Brotherly Leader and Guide of the Revolution has no animus against Cameroonian Issa Hayatou and the Confederation of African Football.

There are plenty more pearls from Gaddafi on numerous other topics, should there be interest....

Note his rather alarming map of the world:



No British Isles, no New Zealand, no Japan, no Newfoundland, no Sri Lanka, a rather large island at the bottom of Hudson Bay, no Panama and hence no connection between the two Americas.....




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What is it with Portsmouth?

Thursday, October 18, 2007
The Home Office has been helpful enough to release statistics on arrests, banning order and the like by football club for last year, and comparing those with average attendance gives the rogues' list of clubs with the worst records.

And as the headline has rather given away, it is Portsmouth that has the worst fans, so to speak - 110 banning orders last year, or 0.56% of its average gate of 19,257. Middlesborough follows with 0.31%, Wigan with 0.22% and Chelsea at 0.19%. And there was I thinking that Chelsea fans were all prawn sandwich eaters. And which clubs have the best behaved fans? Fulham (0.03%) and Arsenal (0.07). Note for Dizzy - Everton's score is 0.11%, and for Iain Dale - WHU's is 0.12%

Further digging in the lower leagues makes it appear that Millwall lives up to its grim reputation, with 104 banning orders, giving 1.3% of its average gate of 8,132.

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A 99% pay cut for John Terry.

Saturday, August 25, 2007
That, judging from a yougov poll for the Fabians, is what the British public would like to inflict on the Chelsea player, reckoned to be the top division's highest earner. He currently trousers around £135,000 a week, while the poll suggests that top players should make no more than £62,000 a year. So, he would be in line for something like a 99% pay cut. And it is not just a handful of players making a good living. Last year The Independent calculated that the average income in the top division is £676,000 PA.

Having spent a fruitless 15 minutes playing hunt the quote, I will have to rely on this half remembered effort of mine from last year:

"I forget whether it was Friedman or Hayek who observed that while there is plenty of envy directed at wealthy businessmen, there is very little for pop stars, bullfighters and so forth. Or, in our times, lottery winners. Perhaps following the 'logic' of these merry little class warriors, there should be a cap on salaries for footballers, Warner Brothers should restrict the number of Madonna CDs it presses and Tom Cruise should only be allowed to make a film every five years for fear that 'hard working families and ordinary people' might take offence".

Whether I judge Terry's contribution to Chelsea's success is worth the bagatelle of £7m a year is utterly irrelevant. His employers clearly do, and as with any employment contract, no employer will pay anyone more than the value that they create for the employer. Should that urge for a deadly procrustean equality held by some of my fellow countrymen and women ever kick in, the following will happen:

The likes of Terry will sell their services to higher bidders outside this country or retire, the standards of the English game will fall and English teams will get slaughtered in the Champions League and the like. Gate receipts will fall, English TV rights will sell for less while UK rights for Spanish, French, US etc games or wherever our top talent are playing will rise. Meanwhile, the Exchequer will lose the money they take from the players, less money will circulate in the economy and things will be altogether worse....

Still, it is not all bad, the public want to cut Broon's salary by about 28%.

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A rose by any other name...

Thursday, May 17, 2007

The Millennium Dome, the Dome, the white elephant, the O2 Arena, Tony's Folly - there are plenty of naming options available for the wretched thing without having to think too hard. None of these proved suitable for a rather breathless press release from Livingstone's office about the NBA (National Basketball Association) setting up an office in London - apparently it is 'London’s new state of the art NBA-style arena'.

Now this is alarming on a number of levels, as given the 30 odd teams in the NBA does this mean that North America is littered with Rogers-inspired buildings that cost the earth and serve little or no purpose, and if this is 'new state of the art', what are my chances of selling a seven year old car or computer on ebay and terming it thus?

Back at the plot, I suspect that the NBA's main ambition in these parts is to sell more baseball caps and the like to individuals incapable of finding on a map the host city of the team whose colours they sport.

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EU to successful businesses - we want you to stop being successful

Saturday, April 07, 2007
Yes, really. That is, in effect, what a likely to be adopted report on football says. More here, care of Libération.

Whether one likes the 'commercialisation' of sport or not, even the EU knows that this is way outside its area of competence (in both senses...). As Libé notes, "The European Constitution envisaged including the sport in its fields of competence, but since the French and Dutch referendums, it is a dead letter".

According to the report, football euro-style is "the result of a democratic tradition anchored in society as a whole". And "football does not function like a normal area of the economy and supporters cannot be regarded as merely consumers". And so, "The usual criteria of economic competition must thus be adapted to "the balance of the competition" They do talk rot, don't they?

The brain behind this is a French Green. Doesn't he have some climate change scare stories to fabricate? Doubtless at the back of his mind he is thinking about the US sports model, which is immensely more moneyed than football, but everything is focused on keeping the sports competitive in order to keep the TV viewing figures up. Consider this - 10 different gridiron teams have won the Superbowl in the last 15 years, whereas in the same period just five different teams have won the FA Cup.


Further thoughts later, perhaps.

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