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Now *that's* a manifesto

Monday, September 15, 2008
"Indians Jews who have migrated to Israel over the years are for the first time attempting to try their luck at the hustings. They have launched a political party -Shivtei Israel (Yachad), in this southern Israeli city to contest the forthcoming municipal elections. They aim to win votes by focusing on issues related to the community, including a demand for a proper cricket ground for its youngsters". Source

Israel dropped into the European third division after losing to Croatia last year, so perhaps those Indians who have made aliyah will be doing their bit to raise the standard of the game.

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posted by Croydonian

Not even trying...

Tuesday, August 26, 2008
B-67 and K-1933. What might they be? Aeroplanes? Statutory orders? Top hit for B67 is a Brum post code, and K-1933 also shows up as an IC made by Weihao Electronics. However, in this context they are the finalists in this year's Greenlandic football league, closely followed by N-48.

I think that Greenlandic teams ought to take inspiration from the teams in Glasgow's Five-A-Side league. This list has appeared all over the place, so quite who first posted it is a mystery. I discovered it on a West Ham United forum the other day, not that it is showing up now.

Here goes:

  • Albion Hungovers
  • Athletico Madras
  • Barearselona
  • Bayer Leverarchfile
  • Bayer Neverlusen
  • Bayern Bru
  • Big Bertha Berlin
  • Borussia Nosobad
  • Deportivo Lack a Talent
  • Dinamo Mince
  • Dyslexia Untied
  • Fake Madrid
  • Fatzio
  • FC Copenbadly
  • Fred West Ham
  • Graham Rix U16's
  • Grass Smokers Zurich
  • Hajduk Spliff
  • Hardly Athletic
  • Inter Masister
  • LSD Eindhoven
  • Outer Milan
  • Rapid Viagra
  • Real Ale Madrid
  • Real Sosobad
  • Red Star Bellend
  • Red Stripe Belgrade
  • Shackthar Senseless
  • Sparka Fag
  • Sporting Abeergut
  • Sporting Lesbian
  • St. Mirnoff
  • Steaua Needarest
  • Substandard Liege
  • Torpedo Belgrano
  • Unathletic Madrid
  • Unreal Madrid

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posted by Croydonian

Honest Gordon - the Punter's Friend

Sunday, August 24, 2008
Broon has switched out of his usual garb into a tipster's country tweeds and trilby, and has a red hot tip for the nation's punters:

"Gordon Brown has predicted honours awards for British medalists in recognition of the country’s best Olympic performance for a century.

Speaking to the BBC in Beijing, the PM said that there had been “such spectacular successes” for team GB members that the honours system “is bound to recognise them”. Decisions on such awards are made by the Cabinet Office, with the sports honours committee due to meet in September".

Nice of the Nostradamus of Kirkcaldy to stick his neck out, as after all the PM has so little say in who gets which bauble at the twice yearly doling outs to the famous for being famous, long term placemen and women and the occasional token civilian.

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posted by Croydonian

The poor little darlings

Monday, July 28, 2008
That I do not have a great deal of time for the Olympics - see repeated references to 'the world's largest outdoor steroid abuse fest' for confirmation - will come as no surprise to those people of impeccable taste who read my jottings on a regular basis.

For all that the kitchen sink is supposedly thrown at athletes to stop them spiking up, pilling up or - for all I know - toad licking, the drug scandals just keep on coming. Those of a cynical disposition will note how the press never wants to believe it of those swathed in our version of the red, white and blue, but that is a story for another day.

Another country which goes in for the same flag colour scheme - and they did get there first - has a sports minister who is concerned about the, cough, human rights of the runners, throwers, jumpers and underwater tiddlywinks players:

"The Netherlands' Deputy Minister for Health, Welfare and Sport, Jet Bussemaker says excessive testing for doping is violating athletes' right to privacy". ..." Although I think doping tests should stay, you must balance them against the rights and freedoms of the athletes, in the knowledge that you can never eliminate doping altogether."

Erm, they are dodging around in outfits that would see them barred in any number of hostelries in these parts and lapidated in some of the more delightful parts of the Middle East, and they are concerned about privacy?

Facetiousness aside, either drop the testing completely and rely on participants to be honourable or allow random testing at any time etc with zero notice. Way back lost in the mists of time I read of a poll that asked the runners, throwers etc whether they would be prepared to take a drug that would guarantee a Gold medal but also in the longer term kill them. The precise wording escapes me, but that was the gist of it. A very clear majority said yes please, and I doubt that opinions among the steroid munchers have changed with the generational advance.

As an aside, Princess Anne was the only competitor in the '72 Olympics who did not have to undergo a sex test. True story.

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posted by Croydonian

Armchair generals

Tuesday, July 01, 2008
It is almost axiomatic that every man in this country has to have an opinion on football, at the risk of having his masculinity called into question. The French, however, seem to go that little bit further - everyone has to have an opinion on football.

And so, L'Equipe, the French sports paper has polled the citizenry - all of them, or at least those above the age of 18, I suppose - as to their thoughts on the management of the national side. Before diving into the results, pause to mull on some of the Gauls you might know. Do they have strong, or even informed, opinions on football? I can think of a few that I would not trust to define the offside rule while standing on one leg....

Anyway, 52% want the manager to be given the Spanish Archer, 41% want him to stay, and a profoundly non-credible mere 8% have no opinion.

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posted by Croydonian

Reds and double yellows

Friday, June 27, 2008
The main event of 2008, more eagerly awaited than the State Opening of Parliament, the EastEnders Christmas special, the FA Cup etc is upon us - the annual unpaid parking fines by embassy hitlist. Here's the story from 2006.

Drumroll please.

And rising to the lead from seventh is Sudan, with £75,100 in unpaid fines. An outstanding advance from the measly £15,620 in 2006. Well, the law - moral, divine or black letter - has rarely stood in the way of the Desert Hawks.

The United Arab Emirates shows itself to lack the big match temperament, losing the lead and dropping to fifth. Its due fines have near halved from £42,950 to £24,670.

'Our friends the Saudis', the perennial nearly men (stress men) of parking fines move up to second from third, with an increase from £24 k to nearly £39 k. Well, it is a funny old game, but if the Riyadh lads up their work rate and commitment and give it 110% on the park (Lane...) next year they could be in for some silverware.

This year's dark horses are the Kazakhs, storming in from the steppes of ninth to a Champions league spot at third. Unpaid fines haver nearly tripled to £28,180.

The Chinese managed to grind out the results and sneaked fourth place, up from fifth.

Last year's semi-finalists, Germany could not keep up the pace needed to compete with the big boys and tumbled to a lowly 37th. Despite what the pundits say, no team is too good to go down.

Sneaking into a UEFA spot are the French, rising from ninth to fifth. Back of the net!

The International Maritime Organisation managed a highly creditable £2,010 in unpaid fines. Unpaid mooring fees have yet to be made public....

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posted by Croydonian

Failing marketing 101...

Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Shamlessly borrowed from West Ham fan site, Knees Up Mother Brown, a screengrab of how Stevenage Borough FC are plugging their new kit:

Go on, click through. I am not making this up.

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posted by Croydonian

Nice work if you can get it

Thursday, May 22, 2008
From whichever glove puppet is Brown's spokesman this week, referencing the Man U / Chelsea game last night:

"Asked who was representing the Government in Moscow, the PMS said that it was Andy Burnham and Gerry Sutcliffe".

Quite why it was necessary to send anyone 'to represent the government' is the unanswered question, let alone two. Burnham represents a Mancunian constituency but follows Everton. Sutcliffe's loyalties are unknown, but he is a fellow grammar school boy and therefore can't be all bad, his being a socialist notwithstanding.

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posted by Croydonian

Free money?

Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Something for any other gamblers out there - Real Madrid vs Levante in the Spanish Primera Division, this Sunday. Not because RM are top and Levante are bottom, but because of this:

"The threats and warnings by the players of Levante soccer club were officially voted into concrete action yesterday, as the team decided to go ahead with a players’ strike starting this Saturday for an indefinite period, which will affect Sunday’s final game of the season against champion Real Madrid at the capital’s Santiago Bernabéu stadium". (Source)

RM can be backed at 1.2 on Betfair. If the Levante second 11 turns up it will be slaughtered, and if the game is forfeited the bet is cancelled.

(If anyone fancies the bet, e-mail for a referral to Betfair as it gives me a kickback)

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posted by Croydonian

A little bombshell for the Premier League

From our friends in Brussels:

"The Commission recommends to sport organisations to pay due attention to the creation and maintenance of solidarity mechanisms. In the area of sport media rights, such mechanisms can take the form of a system of collective selling of media rights or, alternatively, of a system of individual selling by clubs, in both cases linked to a robust solidarity mechanism".

Two points. Firstly apologies for calling it the Premier League. I think of it as the First Division and always will do, but had to use the current form for sake of clarity. Secondly, 'solidarity' is eurospeak for redistribution. While the sport white paper is filled with hedgings and caveats, it notes very early on that 'sport is subject to the application of the acquis communautaire, or a legal land grab as we might term it in less high falutin' terminology.

Here are some figures a Grauniad journo used in August:

"The Premier League's bottom club can expect £30m from TV this season, a 50% increase on last year's £20m. The average Premier League club will receive about £40m from TV, top clubs about £50m. Championship clubs' TV revenues, plus the new ladder payments, may amount to about £2m each, but the gap with even the Premier League's bottom club has grown from £19m to £28m. Overall, the Premier League's £900m a season dwarfs the Football League's £33m. The £11.2m basic payment being handed out to the 72 clubs is only 1.2% of the Premier League's deal".

Might a litigious lower league club want to argue the toss about 'solidarity'?

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posted by Croydonian

'North' / 'South' fun and games on the other side of the channel

Monday, March 31, 2008
Anyone with even the most limited knowledge of English football will know that to supporters of London teams, all teams north of Watford are dirty northern, ahem, blighters. Likewise, Cockney is applied to teams a long way from the East End, including Portsmouth.

So much for the context. A cup match in France saw a banner aimed at the supporters of Lens noting 'Pédophiles, chômeurs, consanguins: bienvenue chez les Cht'is', which could be rendered, roughly, as 'Pedophiles, dole scum and inbreds - welcome to the North'. Nice, huh? The banner wavers supported Paris St Germain, hence my placing south in inverted commas in the title.

Here's a photo of the offending banner, borrowed from Le Figaro:

Le Fig's news pages reckoned it 30 metres long, the Lens club chief 25 metres and Libé 20 odd metres. Still, who cares about accuracy?

The Lensois are incensed by the whole affair, and want it dealt with as though it was racially motivated. The mayor even wants the game replayed. Yes, really. Best not mention the opinion the rest of France has of Paris.......

(Upon reflection, inbreds is a better translation than incest lovers)

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posted by Croydonian

Erm, not quite

Monday, January 21, 2008
An extract from a report in The Times of India on Broon's Indian junket:

"Complimenting India on its test victory over Australia, Brown shed his normally grave countenance. "I congratulate India on a famous victory - beating an Australian side who have won their last 16 games and doing so away from home." England's long cricketing feud with Australia clearly fuelled Brown's enthusiasm for India's historic win.

I wish I could believe that the hack penned that with tongue firmly wedged in cheek, but I fear not. I have not seen the Australian press getting worked up about the comment.

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posted by Croydonian

Strength through joy

Wednesday, January 16, 2008
Messing about with national constitutions seems to be all the rage at the moment, and following on from the French stopwatch nonsense, the Germans now face the prospect of "sport becom[ing] a constitutional objective".

It turns out that fads have been incorporated into the constitution, or basic law before, as it was with tree-hugging a few years back:

Art 20 (a) "Mindful also of its responsibility toward future generations, the state shall protect the natural bases of life by legislation and, in accordance with law and justice, by executive and judicial action, all within the framework of the constitutional order".

I feel sorry for those Germans who just want to sprawl on the couch and watch anything but fußball. Maybe they can be persuaded to take the World's Largest Outdoor (and Indoor) Steroid-Abuse Fest off out hands.

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posted by Croydonian

Quote o' the day

Thursday, January 10, 2008
Today's quotee is Pope Benedict XVI, and his topic is football:

'Benedict voiced the hope that [football] ''may increasingly be the vehicle of the values of honesty, solidarity and fraternity'''.

And to think that Italian (and indeed, our own) footballers have been accused of diving, acting up, feigning injury, insulting referees, linesmen, fans, managers etc etc.

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posted by Croydonian

The future belongs to London. And Plymouth Argyle.

Thursday, December 06, 2007
From Hansard:

Helen Southworth: To ask the Secretary of State for Culture, Media and Sport how many qualified football coaches are active in (a) boys and (b) girls football in each UK region. [170105]

Mr. Sutcliffe: We do not hold this information. However, I can confirm that DCMS and Sport England are currently funding nearly 250 football Community Sports Coach (CSC) posts, broken down by region as follows:

  • East 35
  • East Midlands 4
  • London 80
  • North East 7
  • North West 23
  • South East 19
  • South West 33
  • West Midlands 28
  • Yorkshire 9
Perhaps I spend too much time analysing data during the times I am actually working, but those figures struck me as less than proportionate to the populations of the English regions, and so they proved. London is the most over represented - 15% of the population but a third of the coaches. The West Midlands, East of England and the South West also get more than their fair shares, while the South East (fancy...), East Midlands, Yorkshire, the North West and the North East get - to descending degrees - the shaft.

Hence my headline, whereas it is not looking good for Brighton & Hove Albion, Reading and Southampton, for instance.

The previously obscure Helen Southworth (about whom I can discover nothing of interest at all) represents Warrington South, and so could have a good old moan about the fate of the North West and feel aggrieved that a range of clubs in her neck of the woods are not benefiting from better trained teenagers.

The respondent, Gerry Sutcliffe is almost equally as dull, and could pout and whinge about his home club of Bradford. However, he has given me the amusement of this quote: "In the 1980s we didn't take people with us. We had trendy Wendys and Nigels who enjoyed spouting left-wing politics which they had never lived, and who didn't want people in the party who didn't understand procedure". Bar Ms Alexander, the only Socialist I can find in Westminster/Edinburgh/Cardiff is Nigel Griffiths.

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posted by Croydonian

The greatest seer since Cassandra

Tuesday, November 27, 2007
Would appear to be Michel Platini:

"Look at rugby; there are always teams who will win and you can guess the last four every time. The best teams always win".

After all, everyone knew that the last four of the Rugby World Cup would include the Pumas, did they not? I expect he took the bookmakers to la teinturerie....

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posted by Croydonian

So /that's/ why the Croats won yesterday

Thursday, November 22, 2007
"MOSCOW, November 22 (RIA Novosti) - A LUKoil vice-president announced on Thursday that he would keep his promise to give Mercedes cars to Croatian players after the Balkan side beat England 3-2 at Wembley". Source

Or possibly not:

"However, Ivica Olic, formerly of CSKA, and the scorer of Croatia's second goal, rejected suggestions that this or any other undisclosed financial incentives offered by Russian businessmen contributed to the team's performance".

Good job he specified 'car' as otherwise the Croats might be in line for a van. It remains to be seen whether they will be getting keys to A-Class Mercs, or something further up the automotive food chain.

(Jeremy - consider this my response to being tagged....).

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posted by Croydonian

Clash of the Titans

Friday, November 16, 2007
Israel vs Croatia at cricket. Yes, really. My money's on Israel, as it "is currently ranked as the 12th-best non-Test team in Europe by the ICC. Croatia is ranked 17th".

The winner will join France, Germany, Jersey, Guernsey and Gibraltar as qualifiers from European Division Two. Note that there are two further European divisions.

However, the Israeli government has not been treating the game with the respect it deserves:

"The Croatian ambassador will attend the game, but there will be no official Israeli representation.

"The [Israeli] sports authorities have shown such disdain to cricket in the past two years that we didn't even invite them," [Israel Cricket Association president Stanley] Perlman said. "They don't understand the first thing about cricket, they have no respect for the game, and we don't need them for anything." Nevertheless, he added, flags will be flown and anthems sung".

Anyway, time for a quote (no, not that one from Mugabe): "Say that cricket has nothing to do with politics and you say that cricket has nothing to do with life". John Arlott.

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posted by Croydonian

Gaddafi speaks, or rather spoke

Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Muammar Gaddafi, or "Guide of the First of September Great Revolution of the Socialist People's Libyan Arab Jamahiriya" / "Brotherly Leader and Guide of the Revolution" has a website, and very pretty it is too and available in a variety of languages.

He does not update it very often, but I have found an interesting diatribe against FIFA and the World Cup:

"The World Cup was established to achieve a social and psychological benefit for people. Nevertheless, what The World Cup has achieved is the exact opposite. First, beware the deadly diseases caused by The World Cup. Medical research has proven, and will prove further in the future, that those who have football (soccer) mania, and those addicted to the game are most at risk of psychological and nervous disorders. Those disorders in turn are the leading causes of heart attacks, strokes, diabetes, hyper-tension and premature ageing".
....

"Second, beware the hatred, enmity and racism generated by football".

....

"The World Cup has strengthened the extreme right and the racist tendencies in the world. The irrefutable proof of this is the fact that the associations that support sports clubs are racist associations of the extreme right. Where is the conscience of the world?"

However, he likes Sepp Blatter: "Mr. Blatter is a prudent man. He is not corrupt personally. I respect him". Opinions differ on Gaddafi's second statement....

Meanwhile, how did Libya do in the 2006 World Cup? Well, it did not qualify, but it did make it to the second round of the African qualifiers after beating São Tomé and Príncipe 9-0 on aggregate. However, it came fourth out of six in the group 3 stage, despite beating Sudan away, and both Benin and Egypt at home. And they have not made it into the African Nations cup for next year, although maybe the Brotherly Leader and Guide of the Revolution has no animus against Cameroonian Issa Hayatou and the Confederation of African Football.

There are plenty more pearls from Gaddafi on numerous other topics, should there be interest....

Note his rather alarming map of the world:



No British Isles, no New Zealand, no Japan, no Newfoundland, no Sri Lanka, a rather large island at the bottom of Hudson Bay, no Panama and hence no connection between the two Americas.....




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posted by Croydonian

What is it with Portsmouth?

Thursday, October 18, 2007
The Home Office has been helpful enough to release statistics on arrests, banning order and the like by football club for last year, and comparing those with average attendance gives the rogues' list of clubs with the worst records.

And as the headline has rather given away, it is Portsmouth that has the worst fans, so to speak - 110 banning orders last year, or 0.56% of its average gate of 19,257. Middlesborough follows with 0.31%, Wigan with 0.22% and Chelsea at 0.19%. And there was I thinking that Chelsea fans were all prawn sandwich eaters. And which clubs have the best behaved fans? Fulham (0.03%) and Arsenal (0.07). Note for Dizzy - Everton's score is 0.11%, and for Iain Dale - WHU's is 0.12%

Further digging in the lower leagues makes it appear that Millwall lives up to its grim reputation, with 104 banning orders, giving 1.3% of its average gate of 8,132.

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posted by Croydonian