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Guess how many special advisers Brown has.

Thursday, July 24, 2008
I would have guessed four or five, with an outside maximum of ten.

He has, in fact, twenty four.

And here they are: Greg Beales, Theo Bertram, Nicola Burdett, Stephen Carter, Konrad Caulkett, Matt Cavanagh, Dan Corry, Colin Currie, Jo Dipple, Justin Forsyth, Michael Jacobs, Gavin Kelly, Richard Lloyd, Patrick Loughran, Damian McBride, Jennifer Moses (unpaid, which is nice), David Muir, Geoffrey Norris, Sue Nye, Nick Pearce, Lisa Perrin, Paul Sinclair, Nick Stace and Stewart Wood.

Three of them are part time, so I suppose one could be generous and say 22.5.

Firstly, that is not a kitchen cabinet, it is a class room of the little blighters, and haven't they, collectively, proved to be about as much use as an inflatable dartboard. I do not suppose that 'SpAd to Broon 2008' on a CV is going to open many doors come The Reckoning. They cannot be all that special either.

Further, these people are making a very nice scratch, four of them making £140,560, and all making at least a shade under £40,000.

Other ministers generally have two apiece, but respect to Flint, Benn, Baroness Royall (of Blaisdon, no less), Murphy, Browne and Purnell for making do with just one.

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Erm....

Wednesday, July 23, 2008
In the best Dizzy Thinks tradition of asking why certain questions are asked by certain people in Parliament, I will offer this up without comment:

Anne Main: To ask the Secretary of State for Health how many sexually transmitted infections were diagnosed at (a) Waverley Sexual Health Clinic, St. Albans and (b) in all genito-urinary medicine clinics in Hertfordshire in each of the last five years.

Ms Main is the MP for St Albans, and to the best of my knowledge, of impeccable character.

And there's more:

Bob Russell: To ask the Secretary of State for Health what estimate he has made of the number of gender reassignment operations which will be carried out by NHS trusts in 2008-09.

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One hour and nine minutes of Parliamentary time

Tuesday, July 22, 2008
What would you want debated if you had the time? Perhaps the economy, or the assaults on our ancient rights? Lefties might prefer the wars as a topic. Doubtless few sentient people would fail to come up with something that exercised them.

And what was debated between 21.21 and 22.30 last night? Brass bands and the lack of subsidies therefor.

While there is an argument that if one form of unpopular culture should be funded from taxation so should all the rest, I take the stance that all state / council arts subsidies should stop now. That,k I think is a debate for another day, but it is worth skimming the debate for the attempts by sundry northern Labour MPs to be prolier than thou. Including, rather hilariously the admittedly non Northern 'Enver' Hodge. And they do find it so hard not to use variations on 'blow your own trumpet'. Laugh, I thought I'd never start.

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Ask a stupid question...

Monday, July 21, 2008

From Hansard:

"Helen Southworth: To ask the Secretary of State for Business, Enterprise and Regulatory Reform if he will hold discussions with industry representatives on measures to increase the affordability of access to broadband for (a) people with a disability and (b) older people"

To which the Wickser replied with a laundry list of statistics, and this:

"I would be delighted to hear from industry about any plans they have to make broadband more affordable, including for the elderly or disabled".

Two points - those of a vintage who can remember life before 1984 will recall the difficulty, delay and overall sheer bloodiness of getting a phone line installed, and I just hate to think what the situation with broadband would be like if BT had not been de-nationalised and the market freed.

Secondly, and rather more immediately pertinent to the question, try substituting 'blonde', 'port drinkers' or 'size 9 1/2 shoe wearers' for disabled or older people for a measure of quite how silly is the attempt to thrust undifferentiated victim status upon millions and millions of people.

I would love to be able to say that the hitherto obscure Southworth should be declaring an interest, but she appears to be in good health and is 51.

However, and this is just wonderful, Lady Internet has a website - helensouthworth.labour.co.uk

Try clicking through, or note this screenshot:

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A vital mission for government

Friday, July 18, 2008
From Hansard:

Ben Chapman: To ask the Secretary of State for Culture, Media and Sport what estimate he has made of the number of closures of establishments in the public house sector in (a) 2000, (b) 2003 and (c) 2007.

Mr. Sutcliffe: The Department has not at any time made an estimate of the number of closures of establishments in the public house sector.


And to think of all the things they waste time and money on....


Having failed dismally to find a particularly apposite quote on pubs from a 'name', I will merely add the thought of an ex: "People who don't like pubs don't like life".

Although I might make an exception for Dublin shortly after the wild ginger man himself expires:

“When I die I want to decompose in a barrel of porter and have it served in all the pubs in Dublin.”

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Great Parliamentary questions of our time

Friday, July 11, 2008
From yesterday's Hansard:

Bob Spink: To ask the Secretary of State for Foreign and Commonwealth Affairs how many residences of foreign diplomats there are in (a) Castle Point and (b) Essex.

Meg Munn: According to our records, there are no foreign diplomats currently living in Castle Point and 21 foreign diplomats currently living in Essex.


Having spent my formulative years in the Far East (1) I am not going to be making mock of Essex, but I cannot help but wonder why Spink thought this was worth asking, and having discovered the answer what he is planning to do with it. Maybe he is angling for the Americans to abandon Grosvenor Square for Southend. Perhaps he wants the addresses in the hope that he can wangle an invite to a Ferrero Rocher party.


(1) Old joke, with which I have suckered a few people. Near East is the E postal codes, middle east is Romford etc, and the Far East is the fair county of Essex itself.

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Living in, erm, Bromley, is bad for you

Wednesday, July 09, 2008
Care of David Evennett, MP for Bexleyheath and Crayfishford:

"how many people were diagnosed with cancer in (a) Bexley and (b) London in each of the last five years?" Source

The good people of Bexley have been diagnosed with cancer at a rate of circa 1000 per year, with the prevailing level in London being 26,000 ish. So, given that Bexleyites make up some 2.9% of London's population, what of the cancer diagnosis rates?

2001 - 3.7% of all London cancer diagnoses
2002 - 3.6%
2003 - 3.6%
2004 - 3.8%
2005 - 3.7%

Historic Surrey / Kent rivalry to one side, I do not suppose the figures this side of the border are much better, and age distribution is doubtless the biggest skew relative to the London-wide stats.

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Giving a straight answer the Barbara Follett way

Tuesday, July 08, 2008
From Hansard:

Jo Swinson: To ask the Minister for Women and Equality what proportion of staff at the Women’s National Commission are (a) male, (b) female, (c) black and minority ethnic male and (d) black and minority ethnic female".

Barbara Follett: The Women’s National Commission has a small staff and provision of this information in the categories required would make it possible to identify individuals, if such information was used alongside other material in the public domain. This would be in breach of guidance on ethnicity disclosure. The Government Equalities Office sponsors the WNC. Combining the staff numbers of the GEO and the WNC lessens the risk of breaching the guidance on ethnicity disclosure and gives the following figures, based on the declaration staff have made

 Percentage

(a) Male

39.4

(b) Female

60.6

(c) BME male

Less than 1

(d) BME female

10.6



The figure for BME males is inflated to a certain extent to avoid the possibility of a breach of guidance. This calculation excludes temporary staff.

I think what Babs means is that are no BME males working there.


(As a footnote, I can't say I was aware of the WNC, so I have been nosing around its website. Apparently one of the priorities for the Minsters (sic) for Women is "Tackling violence against women who commit crimes". Does this mean that shoplifters etc are getting roughed up by security goons, the Plod, Prison service etc, or disappointed relatives are dishing it out? I'm lost, frankly).

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Feeble excuses department

Thursday, July 03, 2008
Anyone who peruses Hansard will be used to this piece of boilerplate text:

"The Information requested can be provided only at disproportionate cost".

Whisper it low, but I think that sometimes it is used as a way of avoiding giving an answer.

Anyway, I nominate this as the most egregiously dishonourable use of 'disproportionate cost':

Robert Neill: To ask the Chancellor of the Duchy of Lancaster how many copies of PR Week are purchased for the Prime Minister’s Office each week; and at what cost.

Phil Hope: The Prime Minister’s Office forms an integral part of the Cabinet Office. The Information requested can be provided only at disproportionate cost.

Two e-mails or two phone calls would have teased out an answer.


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Over the top similes corner

From Hansard:

Hywel Williams: People without access to broadband are as excluded and disadvantaged as their counterparts in the 1950s who scrambled around with candles and kerosene lamps while everyone else had power at the turn of a switch.

I am a great enthusiast for the internet, but the description of it as merely being a more efficient way of delivering gossip and pornography is not entirely unjustified. I can't lay hands on the reference, which irks.

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The UK's 500,000 winged rats

Thursday, June 26, 2008
As revealed by a question in Parliament.

Julia Goldsworthy: To ask the Secretary of State for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs what estimates his Department and its predecessors have made of the size of the (a) seagull and (b) pigeon population in England in each year since 1997.

....

Joan Ruddock:

Feral pigeon population size was estimated at over 100,000 pairs in 1968-72 and 100,000-250,000 pairs in 1988-91. Data from the BBS have so far shown neither a significant increase nor decrease in the feral pigeon population since 1994.

Just half a million at the upper estimate? I find that pretty hard to believe. And about 500,000 too many, filthy creatures that they are.

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Livingstone's friend the Tory MP.

Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Just as we are all enjoying the fact that the deposed Mayor can do nothing more than howl into the void, someone comes up with the, quote, '“Livingstone Mayoralty Memorial Newt Bill”. I am not, repeat not, making this up.

Herewith the details:

"Mr. Andrew Robathan (Blaby) (Con): I beg to move, that leave be given to bring in a Bill to permit the disturbance of bats and newts for specified purposes; and for connected purposes.
...

I am very fond of bats and newts and it still thrills me when I see them. As a child, I used to catch newts when doing what is now known as “pond dipping”. Like Ken Livingstone, I like newts and, on that basis, I would name this Bill the “Livingstone Mayoralty Memorial Newt Bill”.

Although there may be some amusement here, this is a very serious issue. What links great crested newts and bats is that they are both European protected species—EPS—and that gives strict protection under the European habitats directive".


Mockery to one side, Robathan makes a serious point about the absurd penalties for disturbing newts and the like, and I wish him joy in his endeavour.

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Spot the similarity...

Friday, June 20, 2008
From Hansard:

Mr. Steen: May I first compliment the Solicitor-General on her new pixie look?

The Solicitor-General: First, let me respond to the hon. Gentleman’s effusive personal compliment to me, which I take in very good heart. I am more frequently likened to a goblin than a pixie, but I am doing my best.

And who is the SG? It is Vera Baird, who looks like this:


And for those not up to snuff on mythical humanoids, the first relevant google image hits for a pixie and for a goblin:



Far be it for me to be gallant, but I think pixie is a closer match.

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A national disgrace

Thursday, June 19, 2008
I am shocked, shocked that Gerald Kaufman is having to go maybe 100 yards out of his way every day:

"Sir Gerald Kaufman: To ask the Secretary of State for Transport if she will discuss with Transport for London the absence of bus stops along the western side of Parliament Street near Whitehall and ask for this situation to be rectified.

Ms Rosie Winterton: The temporary absence of bus stops on the western side of Parliament street has been due to extensive street works associated with the Whitehall Streetscape Improvement project....Westminster city council has consulted Transport for London and London Buses at all stages of the project. Work on the western side of Parliament street is now almost complete and buses are once again stopping in the are".

How could TfL etc not have consulted the member for Manchester Gorton? It must be said he is getting on as bit now - 77 - so presumably has had a free bus pass for years.

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I believe the conversation in Pendle is of little else...

Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Another bee obsessive in the House:

Mr. Gordon Prentice: To ask the Secretary of State for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs what discussions he has had with his German counterpart on (a) the suspension of the registration of eight insecticidal seed treatment products manufactured by Bayer and (b) the collapse in bee populations in Baden-Wurttemberg.

And, *just fancy*.....

Jonathan Shaw: There have been no ministerial discussions on this issue. However officials in the UK Pesticides Safety Directorate are in close contact with relevant officials in Germany.

I'm on the verge of pitying Shaw for all the bee obsessives he has to deal with, it is enough to make one break out in hives. Still, he is a cast iron cert to lose his seat at the next election.

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The West Godthåb question....

Monday, June 16, 2008
Or West Nuuk, if you prefer, but I think Godthåb echoes Lothian better.

"Greenland's two parliamentary representatives in the Danish parliament...are among the MPs who have participated least in the governmental body's votes...'I'm only present at voting when it the subject is relevant to Greenland,' said Hemminsen. 'that's our agreement. But I've been at parliamentary debates quite a lot.' Johansen told KNR that the agreement with the government parties on voting means that some members of the coalition do not vote when Greenlandic interests are not present, and the Greenlandic MPs do not vote when a purely Danish issue is on the agenda". Source

Perhaps members from north of Hadrian's Wall could take note.....

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What about the warranties?

From Hansard:

"To ask the Secretary of State for Defence what percentage of (a) CRVT, (b) Saxon, (c) Warrior and (d) Challenger vehicles are (i) in service, (ii) fit for purpose and (iii) out of service"

CRVT stands for Combat Vehicle Reconnaissance (Tracked), and would seem to involve variants on what was the Scorpion design (chaps of my vintage will remember it well). Anyway, it looks to me as though any commander in charge of one of these things could do with RAC membership, or somesuch, as out of just shy of 1200, only 58% are 'Fit for purpose (currently available)', with this caveat worth noting, 'includes vehicles awaiting minor repairs and those currently in transit to operational theatres'.

The Heptarchs would be pleased that the Saxon is a tad more reliable - 97% are ready to roll. 74% of Warriors are likewise raring to go, as are 95% of Challengers.

It used to be said that much of the Soviet Union's tank force was out of commission due to thirsty soldiers having drunk the anti-freeze, so I do hope that the Naafi is keeping our squaddies lubricated.

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Don't believe it....

Tuesday, June 10, 2008
From Hansard:

Mr. Evans: To ask the Secretary of State for the Home Department what the value was of goods stolen from police stations in (a) North Yorkshire, (b) West Yorkshire, (c) South Yorkshire and (d) the East Riding of Yorkshire in each of the last three years. [208647]

Mr. McNulty [holding answer 5 June 2008]: The information requested is not held centrally and could be obtained only at disproportionate cost.


What McNulty means is that Greenacre's Finest are far too embarrassed to admit to any such larceny.... Also, given that Evans is an MP for somewhere on the other side of the Pennines, might he have been seeking to make mock?

Not worth a new post, so I will add that I am appalled, disgusted, incandescent etc etc that the confectionery products known as biscuits are being referred to - in Hansard - by a linguistic fifth columnist as cookies. Yes they are. Philip Ian "Phil" Hope, for it is he, represents Corby in Northamptonshire in the United Kingdom, rather than somewhere nestling in the Appalachians. Grr. As they are soi disant 'fair trade' products, it can be assumed that they taste like militant cardboard, so he's welcome to them.

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Non-musical chairs in Rome

Friday, June 06, 2008
Italian MPs, or rather some of them, are greatly vexed by the less than orthopaedic qualities of some of the seating in the Camera dei Deputati.

Alessandra Mussolini and her lot have been assigned seats in the back row, and she's agin it:

"The seats in the pigeon coop have been there since 1948. They can't be used - it's impossible to stay seated,'' she said, describing the chairs as ''hard as stools'' and complaining that it was difficult to follow what was going on in the rest of the room". One of her colleagues reckons "it's like the Gaza Strip". Presumably they will be firing rockets at Forza Italia then....

I imagine that the green and red benches are probably not conducive to good posture, and our MPs and peers must envy Italians this, "According to House rules, MPs can only vote from their assigned seats, which bear labels with their surnames". I have asked a fellow blogger with parliamentary connections to quiz a tame MP or two as to how the House's seating rates. Details to follow, with any luck.

And my luck has held:

"The Green benches are firm, not the most comfortable seats - equivalent to a Chesterfield sofa. I suppose the more rotund ones derrière, the longer one can sit without complaining".

Names of blogger and MP withheld to protect the innocent.

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Not giving the devil his due

Wednesday, June 04, 2008
From Hansard:

Mr. Maude: To ask the Chancellor of the Duchy of Lancaster how many copies of the Morning Star (a) the Cabinet Office and (b) 10 Downing Street purchase each day. [191143]

Mr. Watson: None.


Now where did Maude get that idea from?

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