A challenge to the readership
Newmania has come up with a corker in the book review thread - "Take that quality for which the author is chiefly known and accuse him of not having enough it“, and gives some fine examples, of which this is my favourite: "Must Mr.Dickens skim so quickly past his characters , one scarcely is aware of them before the plot thunders on a breakneck speed. A little more time spent on quirky detail and he may achieve much".
I think we could apply this to political commentary to comic effect.
And my starters for ten:
"Mr Prescott's tendency to focus on the more cerebral elements of the political process risks making him appear to be ensconced in an ivory tower. He would benefit greatly from engaging with the public in a more populist manner, although earthiness is clearly beyond him".
"Patricia Hewitt is perhaps the most popular member of the cabinet, owing to her unerring ability to connect so directly with the man in the street and to articulate his concerns in such a way that it takes a great deal of effort not to warm to her, whatever one's politics".
"The Liberal Democrats seem to avoid the first rule for a minor party, which is to shun making clear policy announcements and to rank opportunism far above principle as a key to gaining power. Similarly, the gentlemanly way in which they conduct by election campaigns seems destined to deliver many more disappointments and lost deposits".
I think we could apply this to political commentary to comic effect.
And my starters for ten:
"Mr Prescott's tendency to focus on the more cerebral elements of the political process risks making him appear to be ensconced in an ivory tower. He would benefit greatly from engaging with the public in a more populist manner, although earthiness is clearly beyond him".
"Patricia Hewitt is perhaps the most popular member of the cabinet, owing to her unerring ability to connect so directly with the man in the street and to articulate his concerns in such a way that it takes a great deal of effort not to warm to her, whatever one's politics".
"The Liberal Democrats seem to avoid the first rule for a minor party, which is to shun making clear policy announcements and to rank opportunism far above principle as a key to gaining power. Similarly, the gentlemanly way in which they conduct by election campaigns seems destined to deliver many more disappointments and lost deposits".
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WellI laughed ...mmm..lets see now
God knows we all admire rigorous adherence to principle but I simple must remind Mr. Cameron that elections are there to be won. Must you always crash through the thickets of perceived public opinion like a herd of elephants or emerges from your private Mount Sinai with polices inscribed on tablets of stone . Idealistic ardour may work very well bellowed soap box but I implore you ; listen to the focus groups and suffer a little environmental baby kissing to soften the purity of your passion. The thrilling self sacrifice of a new Enoch Powell is all very well but the Party is crying out for a new Edward Heath.
We have had enough of heroic losers for now thank you , stop debating , start emoting and you may go far.
Yes, exactly. Much more of this please.
I think it would be only fair to offer Verity first refusal on Blair though.
Oh, dammit, Croydonian, I was just about to touch finger to key when I saw I'd been pipped at the post with an invitation!
Oh, go on then:
Mr Blair is too dainty in his considerations of the grand scheme of international politics, and we would that he would favour us with his frank assessment of events in the Middle East. Does he, for example, think the ruler of Mesopotamia has the weapons and wherewithal to attack Great Britain within but one quarter of an hour?
Would that Mr Blair would allow us into his mind to seek his considered opinion on the disposition of the career of the much-respected Dr David Kelly! Yet he is as reticent about his opinions of Dr Kelly as he is about his sensations regarding the death of the late and adored Princess Diana! Can he not, for one minute, unbend and demonstrate his true feelings about the untimely death of this fair young mother of two, born of centuries of aristocracy and attracter of two million cellophane-wrapped bouquets? Surely it is only fitting that such a saintly young mother would attract at the time of her untimely demise – at the very least – some considered words from our Prime Minister? Surely he could articulate one ringing epitaph by which the nation should remember her?
O/T - but today's Telegraph says Blair is refusing to support Levy. Is he m-a-d? Is he a raving, brainless moron?
Oh, gosh, do you think Lord Levy may have a terrible accident? I do hope not!
Loved that Verity especially the Lady Di bit ,I am one of those who thought something went badly wrong with the country at that time and it has not recovered.
And if noone does Broomn me me me
Integrity and self-effacing diligence may have sufficed to promote Hazel Blears from back-bench obscurity, but she must learn to speak up in support of the party line, even if it means sacrificing a little dignity and pride.
Peter Hain has successfully played the eternal idealistic student throughout a long and principled political career. But he may find that in senior ministerial roles a degree of realpolitik is called for, however alien this may be to his nature.
Brilliant Nick( Had Blears in my sights as well)
Charles Kennedy may feel that his austere and puritanical outlook has no place in the party of materialists and cavaliers, but he should rest assured that an early return to public prominence would be welcomed by LibDems everywhere - provided that he could bring himself to loosen up a little and go with the flow.
Gordon Brown, for so long the darling of the gossip columns and the chat show circuit has made himself the man that women idolise and that other men want to be. Who would not envy him the succession of glamorous women seen on his arm, and his ability to pack out arenas with cheering fans? We do, indeed, live in strange times when a politician can write a succession of best selling books, have hit records and even his own line in perfume. However, popularity and charm are not everything, and it would be encouraging to see signs that Brown has at least a degree of inner seriousness.
Why, oh why, after more than two centuries is it that all French politicians continue to aspire after the models of the Revolution, with a succession of 'sea green incorruptibles' at the Matignon and the Elysee, and each issue in domestic and international policy is atttacked according to Danton's dictum: 'De l'audace, encore de l'audace, toujours de l'audace'. Might not it be time for French politicians to settle down a touch, and to allow society to bed in a little by ceasing to make France a test bed for every new idea that comes along? Perhaps we rosbifs envy our neighbours the hair shirted puritainism of their ever fluid political class. No whoring after the comforts of office is to be seen in Paris, although one might question whether it is seemly for a president to travel to EU conferences in a battered 2CV.
"his own line in perfume"! Funny, Croydonian!
O/T doesn't anyone else care that Blair is refusing to back Lord Levy, who knows were every last body is buried and has already stated his intention of not taking the hit for Blair?
This is a bizarre move and, God willing, will motivate Levy to destroy Blair. Thank God for the internet, so we all get a front row seat!
verity - methinks the occupants of the bunker (Campbell & Mandy at the helm once more) have indeed settled on 'shock and awe' as their modus operandi for the final few months. In other words - cross us if you dare, look into our eyes, we have finally cracked and are going down with all guns blazing. It's a brave man who gets in the way of that juggernaut: most will simply look for cover.
Speaking of which, & back to the thread ...
- - - - - - -
The British Constitution, unwritten though it may be, depends upon the scrupulousness with which the various guardians of respective branches of government defend the integrity of their brief. No post-holder is more reliably fastidious in his role than the Attorney General. However, once in every generation there comes a moment when, after lengthy and careful weighing of the issues, a certain flexibility in approach is called for if the ship of state is to advance through choppy waters.
We therefore call upon Lord Goldsmith (a great favourite of mine, see Guido’s place) for once to put aside the stubborn and blinkered defence of his own narrow corner, and to show that statesmanlike grasp of the wider issues that is called for at this hour.
*this doesn't fit within the rules (its an obituary) but I enjoyed writing it until I got bored*
Michael Portillo was always something of an enigma, a shy and modest man of fixed opinion best known for his loyalty and ability to relate to the common man whilst at the same time being given to fits of megalomania, vanity and political and sexual promiscuity with parties of any persuasion.
Miguel Ernesto Portillo was born into modest circumstances the son of Manuel Portillo an itinerant communist waiter and Elsie Tubbs,daughter of Mr Tubbs the local butcher. manuel arrived in this country in 1939 as a refugee from the fascist regime of Generalissimo Franco. They soon settled down to a life of lower middle class banality.
Young Miguel was to attend Harrow school, not THE Harrow as he would like you to believe but the local grammar school, due to his huge lips he was the subject of many a prank and at least twice a week a master would have to prize his mouth off a window with the aid of a yard rule and an extra sharp protractor. A bright boy Miguel (now michael) won a scholarship to benders college Oxford to study Greek. He got a degree, got a non job then got another non job at CCHQ just like Cameron. Bummed a load of blokes, decided he needed a beard if he was to be an MP got married got elected, made a twat of himself got sacked, took up chat shows and tragically died when Diane Abbots bra strap gave out after a heroic struggle and decapitated him. he will not be missed.
benders college Cambridge IF you don't mind. Otherwise, factually impeccable, there is a job for you at the Times.
Is Nick Drew a nom de guerre for the real Peter Hitchens?
We so long to hear of the inner David Blunkett . Will he forever be the icy epitome of probity and taste or would he consider lifting the petticoats of decorum just a little . I am sure we would admire all the more for it.
(Yes this Drew character is not unamusing , Mrs N . however ,happening to glance at the screen, has been tiresomely repeating the words Chinchilla fur and egg all weekend. I am utterly bewildered as to her reasons)
I cannot keep up with the exhausting Mr. Livingstone. Most of us pick a political view at some point and adapt , evolve at best . He forges on like a hunt beater . One moment a Socialist next minute an enlightened Thatcherite , it must always be new new new for him. Please may we have just a little of the comforting orthodoxies of the 1970s some of us remain rather attached to
Margaret Becket ; astonish us with your instinctive grasp of international politics though you may .something is lacking for me . I yearn for the honest befuddlement of the amateur , we tire of muscular swimmers and wonder when political life will vouchsafe us a floundering beginner upon which we can pour our pity .
C N V, all - you're much better at lampooning these politicos than me, so I'm going to do Sven.
Never has one person done so much to redefine the stereotype of the Scandinavian man in the British psyche as Sven. Enthusiastic to the point of hysterical on the touchline and in the dressing room, Sven is almost as well known for his scrupulous behaviour in his private life. I'd advise Sven to bring more calmness to his professional life and loosen up off the pitch.
Much splendid stuff here - I'm most impressed. Hall of Fame for this thread?
David Blunkett
an introduction
My life has been an epic struggle, a tale of struggle on an epic scale, probably more epic than any politician who ever came before me.
As a naturally reticent working class Yorkshireman who has never liked to boast about my struggle to climb from the gutter to one of the very highest offices of state in the land, with If I may say so no help from anybody else I find it very painful to write this autohagiography, but blunt as I am I intend to tell the whole world how basically everything is somebody else's fault and how one day I will return to front line politics supporting the excellent Gordon Brown/Hillary Benn/David Miliband
(ed. could you please update this as appropriate prior to publication. dave)
I hope you enjoy my book.
Sir Alex Ferguson
His name is a byword for finacial probity , sang froid and sportsmanship.
Not for Sir Alex the murky world of bungs, gamesmanship and foaming at the mouth motivational skills.
Probably also the fucking last person on earth you should ever lend a horse to, the fucking pikey!
In post-war British politics, there has never been more of a man of the people than Eddie Heath, Alec Douglas Home possibly excepted. He gloried in his ordinary background, without ever descending to efforts to prove himself 'prolier than thou'. Eddie had no need to ask what that man in the Red Lion was thinking, as he had only to look at his own feelings on a matter of policy to find the surest of touchstones for popular opinion. Far more at home bar propping or in a transport cafe than hob-nobbing with movers and shakers, his easy charm and instinct for both the practical and the popular is sadly missing in our own time. Similarly, his ability to stick to a course of action, like the Selsdon programme or taking on the trade unions, are object lessons in the pursuit of principle. Perhaps his greatest achievement was to negotiate the entry of the nation into the Common Market on terms that can only leave successor generations gasping in admiration, as he outfoxed the Germans and still more so the French, before going on to shape the organisation in a way that has endured.
Eddie Heath,
I remember him
Something of a ladies man , big fan of the rolling stomnes and always ready with a smile and a joke (+:
C , I recall seeing a photo of Heath on a skateboard , honestly, oh to dig that one out.
he looked about as happy as Norman tebbit on the Mr Leatherman float at a gay pride parade (ted would have loved it)
How about Epitaphs?
Edward Heath
"Always magnanimous in defeat"
I vote C`s Eddie as the best although bangs per buck is "magananimous in defeat"
Oh was there ever such a long queeny sulk in all of history !!
Very kind of you to say so N. Second bashes at anyone already 'done' are more than welcome. I might have a bash at Hillary Clinton or Mitterand in a bit.
To all of those who say that there are no characters left in Parliament, I have two words: Tessa Jowell. A woman of indpendent mind, alway prepared to put principle before personal advancement and so far removed from the slavish lobby fodder on the benches. In future times, perhaps we will see her name as a synonym for 'grit'.
Going political for a moment.
Looking for that old-fashioned specimen - a hard-working constituency MP elected on a wave of popular local support, then look no further than Sion Simon. Not one to engage in misguided or personal attacks, he has always managed to remain detached from the rough and tumble of politics. Wholly unaffected by his time in the Westminster village, you can't help but feel empathy for this even-tempered and lovable creature. Ought to put himself first occasionally if he wants to make a bigger mark on the political landscape.
Chinchilla fur and egg ... Mrs N is doubtless attempting to frame a limerick, I know this feeling.
Well, so much for the arts thread, eh? Another time perhaps, since duty calls. As I transit that architectural masterpiece that is East Croydon Station at some ungodly hour tomorrow morning I shall ponder - is this an artwork of the right, or the left? (or just anarchy?)
It remains to kick off the early festive celebrations and, with Guido apparently hors de combat I shall deposit it here.
Deck your foes with Fist a-clunking
fa la la la la, la la la la
Tony Blair will soon be bunking
fa la la la la, la la la la
Who will be his Scots successor?
fa la la, fa la la, la la la
Glasgow thug, or dour cross-dresser?
fa la la la la, la la la la
See the glorious years before us
hewitt harman hain, benn blunkett blears
Clunking-Fist will lead our chorus
johnson cruddas straw! – suppress the jeers
Thus you find us, hale and hearty,
milliband validates all our fears
What a choice to lead the Party!
this is only going to end in tears
Nick,
The arts thread has been inaugurated into the hall of fame, accessible on the right between archives and links.
It does have to be said that East Croydon station is not a thing of beauty. I think it is sub-Rogers, and therefore deem it left.
And that's none too shabby a re-working of the carol.
Nicholas Boles really must knuckle down to some professional politicking . True we love the breath of fresh air he brings to the Party , orphaned at four and working the Northern Working men’s Clubs by eight .He fell into the army and via pro wrestling gun running and as a rock impresario became wealthy. He can truly be said to have lived. His broad regional working Class vowel’s and enthusiastic pursuit of the blonde appeal to the boys no doubt but a few weeks spent in the intellectual ferment of a think tank would improve him no end ,as would , dare I say it , a good public school ..Nonetheless this is precisely the sort of counterpoint tedious policy wonk old Etonion David Cameron needs in the Mayoral race.
We love your rugged individuality Nick , smooth the rough edges and you may yet succeed
Other Nick I have not by any means forgotten the arts thread and I am thinking about it .Enjoyed you stuff no end. I see PHITCH has given my mysterious secret identity away. Heavens to Betsy they’ll all be round wanting egg nog and scraps. Shoo shoo !
Checking a couple of facts on Boles I got out his smarmy apple for teacher ode to darling david C from my files. I had doodled the word WANKER in red above his smiling face .
I will never grow up I am afraid and its to late to start.
Perhaps I should praise him for eschewing onanistic practices. There , thats better.
Once young Loyal David’s Party
Polled so lowly they were dead
They were lost in Wales and Scotland
And the North ,so it was said
But he looked so meek and mild
All the Liberals just went wild ..
He came down to earth from Eton
Hugged a hoodie , sneered at Thatch
And his taxes would be high still
So the members saw a catch
Yes he loved the poor and lowly
But his policies were holey
He was little weak and helpless
Or so Blair implied that day
When he said clunking fist would
Swoop from high and low him lay
Oddly Blairs support was gone
For the Broon , when asked for some
But our eyes at last shall see him
As a the new Conservative PM
When the curse of cool Britannia
leaves this country ;say amen
The we’ll stop pretending to be
Liberals ,greens and other Scooby
Heath had a baby
YES LORD
Heath had a baby
YES MY LORD
Heath had a baby
YES LORD the party keeps complaining but he won`t bugger off
Amidst the terrible malaise in political engagement one female politician's words are followed by the masses. Those of the fragrant Clare Short. An effective campaigner, her serious ideas resound with NuLabour but she still remains more loved than respected by the Labour Party.
Striking a discordant note I have to side with her detractors who have suggested that she uses her feminine charms to spectacular effect too often.
Cheap nasty and vindictive P....I like it . I like it a lot
Ian McCartney is perhaps the pre-eminent homme serieux in British politics, blessed with an intellect that leaves the best of All Souls scrambling to their feet in his wake. That Parliament still has a place for such a polymath is a tribute both to the strength of our democracy and the tradition of public service by the great men and women of our time. No one who has heard him speak can be left in any dount as to whether the spirit of Demosthenes lives on, and moreover in a man who could have ploughed the softer soil of earning a living through male modelling.
Wasn't it wonderful when a psychopathic bouncer steamed into a working men's club and sparked out that malignant dwarf McCartney? for bringing in all that doorman licensing bollocks?
Just reminded myself, when Blair was trying to get butch credentials in 1996 Campbell was putting out nonsense that Blair used to be a "bouncer" at University balls.
Balls indeed.
5ft 1 inch.I didn`t realise he was that short. Thats Ronnie C level.
Did he ever sit in an absurdly large chair and begin his speech
"I was saying to the producer ..no no have you heard it ,,I `ll go on the ,,,which reminds me .."
What about the retrospectively groovy Blair as member of Ugly Rumour or something.As a groover myself I resent a stick of rock with NERD written all the way through it parking on my lawn.
Went to Church today , I had no idea you could buy a suede effect hush puppy but there are obviosuly the footwear of choice for those Jesus requires for a sunbeam.
In another life, you could imagine Bob Piper being a diplomat of the old school. Not one for putting his head above the parapet, he is known for his ability to diffuse awkward situations with a disarming compliment. A retiring type, Bob sidesteps Punch & Judy politics and unsurprisingly cultivates strong friendships across the political spectrum. If only he could stand up to defend himself from time to time rather than allowing himself to be buffeted by every piece of advice or criticism.
Ooo get her ..you put that email up yet P or are you still imagining you can be sued for saying something true ?
Whatever it is
Pragetory famed for his Charge of the Light Brigade approac , writs to the right of him writs to the left of him...on he rode
I was never "groovy"
i used to switch between wearing tweeds and a barbour (aged 19) and Matinique stuff.
C and Mr mania will remember "Matinique", for those that don't think george Michael only less butch.
I also used to own and wear legwarmers and leather pants )+:
Bollocks to bob piper , his kind should have been executed in the 1980s
I know I cant be sued. I'm just maintaining discipline by keeping that mail in the background - and still waiting for the lawyers to get back to me.
PS - N - if you're going to parody me do it properly. How about you write one on me and vice-versa
Sounds a bit gay to me P and also I suspect I will come off worse. If its alright with you I`ll just take a cowardly rabbit punch and run away....chase me chase me
(Until I have gathered material ......hey hey yuk yuk)
I ain't chasing. Thinking back to the time when you took a pop at Yalland at Iain Dale's, this challenge does feel a bit sado-masochistic.
Suprised anyone noticed P Nah I love everyone Yalland seems a good sort....
I had more fun at the expense of Chris Whiteside who I went to to school with and is now claiming to be a dripping wet Cameroon. He was ..shall we say , a shifty to the right of that and was horrified to have his 15 year old self quoted at him by an anonymous poster. Think Tory Boy.hang `em , get on your bike ..etc.
Bedwetters, the pair of you. Mind you, I've been humming and hahing about doing the Dalemeister....
I knew were considering it C. Go on.
DALE
1 Self Important
2 Not the best just the first
3 A gay Meeja whore pretending to be an Essex bloke
4 Would rather watch Come dancing than Football
5 Absurdly claims to be subversive when he is as subversive as a provincial estate agent
6 Treats politics as exclusively a soap opera with nothing to add on economics , constitution debates and..
7 Gave up any concern he ever had for those who post ages ago
....say some ...not me of course.I want to be invited to the next party
On paper Iain Dale has the makings of a promising candidate, but in an age when so much store is set by visibility, he really needs to get his name better known. The occasional letter to obscure local free sheets simply is not good enough. Few people know anything of the man behind the name - is he young or old?, black or white?, urban or rural? Will we ever know anything about Dale the man? Is there any evidence of an interior life beyond his Conservative views?
There are three Birmingham Labour MPs who I do not hold in something close to contempt - Lynne Jones, Gisela Stewart and Richard Burden.
But I do have a bone to pick with Richard. Elected in 1992 he is maybe the biggest loudmouth in Parliament. Rent-a-quote Richard never misses a chance to push himself and his wife into the full gaze of the media spotlight. He must wake up to the fact that not everyone wants to hear his boorish views.
Did you see this P , Gisela Stuart is great but how can she possibly stay in the Labour Party
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/opinion/main.jhtml?xml=/opinion/2006/05/31/do3103.xml
Well I'll be da nanged:
"I say unto you, that likewise joy shall be in heaven over one sinner that repenteth, more than over ninety and nine just persons, which need no repentance".
Luke 15:7
N - Seen it. I like Gisela Gschaider (she has divorced from Mr Stewart) - she is soundly Eurosceptic too, having been involved in the EU Constitution talks. Nevertheless, she's one of the Labour benches so I'm backing Deirdre Alden who was selected to fight Edgbaston again back in January and has started yp ost daily on her blog. Of note, is that Edgbaston has been represented by women since 1953 and is almost certainly going to continue to be after the next election.
I see, so a young ambitious Conservative hoping to make a splash in the midlands area could do worse than to pretend to be a woman ? Interesting
I was so impressed with that Gisela Kraut-Bosch piece I wrote her fan mail. I think her Euro scpeticism is pretty clear in the article . I have a really funy correspondence by a servile office weed pretending to be her somewhere . Little things
At the risk of being ungallant, Gee Gee seems a bit apt.
Nulabour implosion - nine Labour MPs in Brum. My dream scenario for Birmingham goes like this.
1 Boundary changes lead to one Labour seat - Sparkbrook & Small Heath disappearing.
2 Labour lose Edgbaston to Tories due to national swing.
3 Short stands again in Ladywood and beats Labour.
4 Labour select McCabe for Birmingham Selly Oak. Loses to the Tories.
5 Northfield is won on 10+% swings to Conservatives.
6 Libs target and win Birmingham Hall Green (they get about the same number of votes as Labour at council level and boundary changes mean that incumbency provides little help)
7. Khalid Mahmood in Perry Barr gets done for vote-rigging and a by-election is called after the election. Labour lose.
8. Lib Dems beat Liam Byrne in Hodge Hill.
9. Sion Simon puts out a video spoof of his electorate just before the election - and loses Erdington.
I was so impressed with that Gisela Kraut-Bosch piece I wrote her fan mail.
fucking hell mr n
you write fan mail to politician?
I always find a tastefuly wrapped box of dog shit conveys the right sentiment
late to the party as ever...
Menzies Campbell, the newest and gooviest leader on the political scene. He reserves his very best for PMQ's; but rarely do we hear anything but the nuts and bolts of future domestic policy. Where is his commentary on Iraq? Europe or Cliamte Change? Truly Ming has much to offer in this space - almost as much as his inspirational leadership of the Lib Dems more or less guarantees them the youth vote ahead of his young pretender foe, Mr Cameron.
tastefuly wrapped box of dog shit
Why ambassador you`re spoiling us
It is a Brummie tradition - Sharon Osbourne is a big fan of that approach.
Alvaro Uribe may be respected for his uncompromising uncorruptibility and unwillingness to give or accept bribes from the paramilitary groups that continue to plague the stunning nation of Colombia, but it is truly lamentable that he refuses to engage with highly esteemed intellectual international leaders such as George W Bush and do exactly their bidding without regard to the impact on the citizens of the impoverished country, nor do follow the decrees of Bush to irradicate the only steady source of income for the country for a paltry development bribe, erm, grant. Lamentable!
Still, Cartelombia, worth every bit of effort and ransom money required.
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