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Great press releases of our time

Tuesday, January 27, 2009
From Pravda Central (UK):

H/L: "Stars come out for top award in financial investigation"

Sounds good, doesn't it?

And the first paragraph:

"Stars from the UK's financial investigation community gathered at the Arsenal Emirates Stadium in London today to celebrate the winners of the Keith Hughes Award for Excellence in Financial Investigation".

It does not report whether 'the stars' did a meet and greet, autographs etc.

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posted by Croydonian

And now the undead roam the land

Friday, January 16, 2009
As if we didn't have enough trouble already.

Furthermore, the government would seem to be seeking at a third way in dealing with them, as Pravda Central (UK division) says the government wants us to avoid 'Unnecessary staking' in cemeteries. Perhaps lining tombs with the Host, brandishing crucifixes and sporting lots of garlic will do the trick (Yes, I've watched far too many Hammer Horror films)

Yes, really. Here's the tale.

OK, it is really about propping up tombstones and so forth, but it was just crying out for an outbreak of facetiousness.

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posted by Croydonian

The devil in the detail

Thursday, July 17, 2008
Pravda central has put out a release telling us just how great the Dept of Work & Pensions is, including:


"Whitehall's largest government department is in good shape and delivering a better service to its customers".

and:

Secretary of State for Work and Pensions, James Purnell, said:"This report shows that we have a really well run Department delivering its services increasingly effectively to the millions of people it serves every day. The report is a great tribute to the leadership and staff of the DWP - and I want to congratulate everyone's hard work and commitment to ensure that we are delivering results."


What Purnell did not see fit to announce in his puff piece are the following:

"DWP...needs to clarify its direction of travel to staff, and to articulate its core purpose and the end result it wants to achieve. The Department needs to consider how best to ensure understanding of its aims and achieve buy-in, and embed this throughout the organisation. (Apologies for the managementese, I'm just copying this stuff. C)

* Staff engagement scores are below the central government benchmark but are consistent with a large-scale delivery department undergoing massive change. The Department must work hard to improve engagement with its staff.

* Although plans are in development, the Department has not yet articulated clearly what it needs in terms of its people and skills mix and ways of working to ensure future delivery effectiveness. There are concerns amongst staff about the performance management system and the consistency with which it is implemented. These include concerns over differentiating performance, incentivising good performance, tackling poor performance and identifying and meeting development needs.

The Department could push further to encourage more strategic innovation.

* Whilst stakeholders think that the Department is working more innovatively and proactively, and is good at adapting as it delivers, they think that it could do more to encourage a step change rather than incremental change.

* The Department could do more to encourage a consistent culture of appropriate challenge and innovation from staff and stakeholders. DWP needs to give better feedback to external stakeholders and to explain its response to their advice and suggestions.
* Much is riding on Lean (an initiative to streamline processes) to create the space for future investment. The Department will need to ensure that this initiative is having the desired impact.


Further, leadership direction setting and capability building and planning, resourcing and prioritising of delivery - that latter bit being what these people are supposed to be doing all day - are euphemistically termed 'a development area'.


Not quite so rosy, is it?

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posted by Croydonian

One for the illuminati only

Wednesday, June 04, 2008
From Pravda Central:

"The Chancellor of the Exchequer has today appointed Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson to be Steward and Bailiff of the Manor of Northstead".

And that is it in its entirety. No decoding, no footnotes etc etc.

Now I know what that means, as will my regulars, but there are an awful lot of people out there who would not have a clue what all this Manor of Northstead business actually means, and I do not think it wholly unreasonable that what styles itself the Central Office of Information might be a little less opaque.

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posted by Croydonian

Making it up as you go along

Monday, June 02, 2008
"IT equipment in UK data centres is wasting UK companies GBP10m a year and releasing 50,000 tonnes of unnecessary CO2 into the atmosphere, just on flashing lights, according to recent research conducted by infrastructure specialist, LS Simple". Source - registration required

People like flashing lights, so why is LS Simple making a racket about it? Because they are engaging in a little light hustling, while simultaneously adding in a touch of greenwashing.

It gets worse:

"Not many people realise that the IT sector shamelessly creates the same amount of CO2 as the aviation sector, with each accounting for around 2% of global emissions. The aviation sector is taking action, determined not to remain the ecological pariah for much longer. Where does that leave IT?"

Shamelessly? Erm, no it happens as a necessary part of the process.

Anyway, where did they get the figures? This is possibly the greatest footnote of all time:

"There is little evidence available to measure precisely the cost of running LEDs in a data centre. The cost figures are based upon our own work and our basis of calculation is set out below....One LD typically operates at consumes around 25mA, 12 volts (0.3 watts). - Power consumption is 0.025 Amps X 12 Volts = 0.3 Watts. - Assume 60% (flashing) duty cycle and this means that each LED consumes 0.18 Watts... [more projections]...There must be at least twice this number of LEDs in PC boxes, screens and printers in homes and offices around the UK, hence 3 times the power and CO2 that is calculated for data centres alone".

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posted by Croydonian

Not coming soon to a television near you. I hope

Monday, May 26, 2008
And if it is, head to the hills with the greatest of despatch:

"The 9th Energy Globe Awards for local environmental projects will be presented at a ceremony in [the EU's] Parliament's plenary chamber on 26 May, starting at 20.00".

And there's more:

"Projects from around the world promoting the use of clean and renewable energies will compete in five different categories: Earth, Fire, Water, Air and Youth". What, no 'wind'? I can't help but think that putting 'youth' on treadmills could both clean up our streets and provide energy.

The bunfight will be presented by the not uneasy on the eye Luxembourgeoise actress Désirée Nosbusch (careful with google image searches if at work or anywhere near a jealous spouse etc), and in possibly the worst act of parenting since Saturn, "Mikhail Gorbachev will receive a lifetime achievement award. Mr Gorbachev's daughter Irina Virganskaya will also attend".

Dionne Warwick must be rather down on her uppers, as she will be singing, along with Zucchero and Alanis 'I don't understand the word 'ironic'' Morrisette.

Possibly the most amusing part of the entire press release is this bit: "Parliament, Commission and Council presidents Hans-Gert Pöttering, José Manuel Barroso and Janez Janša are expected to present the awards". This suggests to me that all three would rather be watching paint dry.

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posted by Croydonian

My favourite quango

Monday, May 12, 2008
I am not a fan of quangos, but I make an exception for the Maritime and Coastguard Agency because of the prose style of its media people.

Here is a classic:

Headlined "Drink and stupidity lead to two in the water at Studland", and continues "Portland Coastguard have been co-ordinating in the wee small hours of this morning a search for two young people who took off from a beach in a dinghy just after 3.00 am this morning with no visible means of propulsion".

That pretty much relays all the necessary information, and I wish that other quangos, government departments - well, all press rooms, actually - could be as forthright.

Previously the MCA has erred on the side of polite, as with this release:

""At ten minutes to nine yesterday evening Solent Coastguard received a 999 call from a concerned gentleman. The man was concerned for two ladies, they had both gone for a walk with a dog at half past four in the afternoon".

Further MCA shenanigans can be retrieved by clicking on the quango tag.


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posted by Croydonian

The claustrophobics' guide to Europe

Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Like, I imagine, most of us, I was unaware of the work of EuroTAP, the European Tunnel Assessment programme. My lack of awareness notwithstanding, they have been busy, erm, assessing tunnels, and the results are in.

And nervous travellers should shun Italy, which is bottom of the league for tunnels tested :

"Tunnels with a "very poor" rating were found in five countries only, mostly in Italy (10 out of 15 tunnels) and Norway (4 out of 9 tunnels). The most positive results were found in Croatia (98.3%) followed by Slovenia (95.9%) and Austria (91.1%)".

And what makes for a bad tunnel? The Segesta and Paci 2 tunnels show how not to do it:

"[They] were rated "very poor"...Although these two tunnels had two separate tubes with unidirectional traffic, apart from the lighting system, there was no other form of traffic or operating safety equipment that could enable the detection of incidents, help people to rescue themselves, or help rescue services to fight fires".

Not enough of our tunnels were tested for Blighty to be included in the rankings, but here are the individual scores for tunnels tested:

Medway - Very poor
Mersey Kingsway - Good
Mersey Queensway - Acceptable

The TAP site is filled with tunnel-related goodness, including video, the audit report quoted above and an exciting tunnel driving test.

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posted by Croydonian

Government to people earning £60 000 or more - you are *not* hard working

Tuesday, April 08, 2008
In spite of the fact that anyone earning £60 000 has either impressed an employer to get paid that much, or else is doing quite well if self-employed or in partnership.

And where did I find this slur?

"A new campaign to help hard working parents get their kids (sic) ready for university this autumn is being launched today by Higher Education Minister Bill Rammell".

Digging around shows that no grant will be paid to students with parents earning £60 005 or more. Which is not too outrageous, but inferring that they are slackers is.

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posted by Croydonian

The right man for the job?

Monday, April 07, 2008
From Pravda Central:

"Health workers to tackle climate change".

I do hope that sundry meteorologists and the like will repay the compliment by rolling up to their nearest hospital and sneering at in-patients hoping to book an appointment.

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posted by Croydonian

Shop till you drop on Friday - the EU Commissariat demands it

Tuesday, March 11, 2008
Yes they do, as Friday 15th is European Consumer Day.

I have been a tad misleading, as what the Commissariat has more in mind for the day is that we should be reading up on the consumer credit act and sundry other documents. I do not doubt that Euroman and Eurowoman will be digging out magnifying glasses to better read the small print.

And the really dedicated, should they find themselves in Brussels, should make haste to Galeries de la Reine, where there is an exhibition of sundry public information campaigns so that '"real-life" shoppers can enjoy and learn from the messages that the campaigns convey".

As points of interest, it is also International Day Against Police Brutality, the anniversary of Columbus returning from his first voyage (so stock up on tobacco, potatoes and the like, maybe?) and, obviously, the Ides.

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posted by Croydonian

A thousand years ago...

Friday, February 15, 2008
I headlined a comment on 'collaboration' between NASA and the British National Space Centre as 'The union of a dog with its fleas'. Yes, and here it is.

Anyway, the BNSC is still getting quite excited about hanging with the big boys, "This joint report between the UK and NASA, coupled with the UK's major role in ESA's Aurora programme of planetary exploration and our involvement in helping to shape a Global Exploration Strategy, means the UK is fully exploiting and strategically maximising its technological and scientific strengths in space exploration".

Doubtless. However, a measure of how important the BNSC is to NASA can be found here. Yup, it is a search of the NASA news site that throws up precisely no entries for BNSC. I tried searching the full name, both with Centre and, ugh, Center, and there are no entries for 2008.....

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posted by Croydonian

785 Arthur Rimbauds in Brussels

Tuesday, February 05, 2008
If the EU's press office is to be believed:

"In his famous poem “Voyelles” (Vowels) French poet, Arthur Rimbaud, associated each vowel with a particular colour. MEPs are just as adept at using colour, but don’t be fooled into thinking that they have been inspired by the poetic muse".

It then rambles a bit about the colour coding of parliamentary calendars. Yes, really.

To my lasting shame, I did not know of the existence of that Rimbaud poem, still less could I quote it.

For those intrigued by the vowel colour matches, here they are: "A noir, E blanc, I rouge, U vert, O bleu".

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posted by Croydonian

Going that extra mile

Tuesday, November 27, 2007
The striking American screenwriters will be delighted to hear that the TUC is doing its bit in support:

"TUC General Secretary Brendan Barber and Deputy General Secretary Frances O'Grady will join members of the Writers Guild of Great Britain (WGGB) in a demonstration on the steps of Congress House at 12noon".

And the address of the TUC? Congress House, Great Russell Street, London WC1B 3LS.

If the cameras do not turn up, I think Brendan and Frances will look very, very silly. How does one demonstrate when the object of one's demonstration is not there to be demonstrated against?

Not sure I can afford to take the time off, but if anyone else is free to record the proceedings....

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posted by Croydonian

Shock announcement from Buckingham Palace

Thursday, October 11, 2007
And there it is at the DCMS website:

"The Queen has decided that November 11 shall be observed as Remembrance Sunday, and the Secretary of State, on behalf of the Cabinet, is making the necessary arrangements for the ceremony at the Cenotaph. The customary Two Minutes' Silence will be observed from 11.00 am".

Well that is a surprise. Given that Remembrance Sunday has been commemorated continuously since 1945 (It was Armistice Day before), I would have thought Her Maj's flunky's would feel a little silly announcing things like so.

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posted by Croydonian

The Met says: 'Trick or treat - don't do it'

Wednesday, October 10, 2007
Which causes me no pain, as trick/treat is not indigenous to England. Scotland is another story, but less of that later.

However, the Met's guidelines are a classic:

"While Halloween can undoubtedly be a great deal of fun, it can also be a particularly distressing time of year for some of the more vulnerable members of our communities - especially the elderly.

With this in mind, the Metropolitan Police Service is urging trick or treaters to think carefully about which doors they knock on this Halloween. Better still, why not just stay at home and have a Halloween themed party with your friends and neighbours!"

............

And there's a Halloween code too, with these the highlights:

Be careful not to frighten vulnerable people, especially the elderly - Erm, how is one to know someone is vulnerable?

Don't vandalise anything or throw things like eggs and flour. This can cause a great deal of damage and misery. What's more it can be classed as criminal damage, or even assault, and a night of 'fun' could end up with you in trouble with the police - Rather limits the scope for tricking, doesn't it?


There's a handy poster with a crossed-through pumpkin to download, print and stick up in your window too. I would include it, but blogger objects to PDFs masquerading as image files. Doubtless the Met's press room is the first port of call for advice on dealing with children wearing sheets over their heads. Something similar for Carol singers etc, please?



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posted by Croydonian

The art of the pointless press release - a master class from Margaret Hodge

Wednesday, September 26, 2007
The DCMS have put out a release with this headline:

"Taking the Cultural Olympiad to the UK's regions - Culture Minister Margaret Hodge names eight creative programmers for England".

Seeing the headline I reckoned it would be worth checking the names for known Labour party collaborators, but alas this was not possible, as despite there being the thick end of one thousand words of blether, the eight lucky quangocrats are not named. No they are not.

However, it does have a link to a comparatively high resolution image of Margaret Hodge for her fans to download and keep.

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posted by Croydonian

">"Grant me chastity and continence, but not quite yet"

Thursday, September 13, 2007
Would a still living St Augustine be concerned that the 17th of September marks the start of Continence Awareness Week?

No, I'm not making this up.

Having done some rooting around, I note it will also be Tessa Jowell's birthday. Not that there is any connection, I'm sure.

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posted by Croydonian

The anaconda - cute?

Sunday, August 19, 2007
Yes it is. It is there along with the rather more predictable lemur, orang utan, panda and dolphin in its list of 40, viewable here. The WWF requests that website readers should "Select your five favorite animals from the list of 40 below, and we'll keep score of the ones that receive the most votes. Then, come back on September 1, and vote for your favorite finalist as it competes for the title of World's Cutest Animal!"

Other left field candidates include the great white shark, dugong and and the walrus. I deem it remarkably gutless of them not to have included the adonis that is the naked mole rat...

I am sorely tempted to attempt to kick start a campaign in favour of the anaconda, but one has to register to vote, and doubtless that would precipitate an avalanche of begging e-mails.

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posted by Croydonian

More from my favourite quango

Tuesday, July 03, 2007
The Maritime And Coastguard Agency, long my favourite quango because of the courtly prose it uses, has again struck gold:

"Early this morning a missing RNLI lifeguard and a female companion were recovered after being trapped for some hours in a cave in the Porth area. The male lifeguard, a New Zealand national, and woman had earlier yesterday afternoon gone to look at a cave which is only accessible at low tide. Both individuals were wearing brightly coloured wet suits". Source

And the thoughts of the watch manager: "To hear of the successful recovery has been of great cheer to all the rescue units who have worked on this incident".

I imagine the Kiwi feels a bit of a fool, and at the risk of cynicism I am prepared to guess that they were not admiring the rock formations of the cave....

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posted by Croydonian