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My favourite quango

Monday, May 12, 2008
I am not a fan of quangos, but I make an exception for the Maritime and Coastguard Agency because of the prose style of its media people.

Here is a classic:

Headlined "Drink and stupidity lead to two in the water at Studland", and continues "Portland Coastguard have been co-ordinating in the wee small hours of this morning a search for two young people who took off from a beach in a dinghy just after 3.00 am this morning with no visible means of propulsion".

That pretty much relays all the necessary information, and I wish that other quangos, government departments - well, all press rooms, actually - could be as forthright.

Previously the MCA has erred on the side of polite, as with this release:

""At ten minutes to nine yesterday evening Solent Coastguard received a 999 call from a concerned gentleman. The man was concerned for two ladies, they had both gone for a walk with a dog at half past four in the afternoon".

Further MCA shenanigans can be retrieved by clicking on the quango tag.


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The trouble with language

Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Having seen an especially fatuous press release about providing tap water to restaurant and bar customers from the 'Consumer Council for Water' (funny that a quango should take up the same battles as a government minister, isn't it?) I had saddled up Rosinante and was off to do battle until this piece of prose drew me up dead:

"The Consumer Council for Water was set up in 2005 to provide a strong voice for water and sewerage consumers in England and Wales".

Erm.....

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Quangocide

Tuesday, February 12, 2008
A heartening tale from Sweden - a quango that has not done *anything* in 32 years is being disbanded. The Stängselnämnden, or Railway Safety Fencing Board, vanishes in a cloud of splinters at the end of the month. However, the wheels of bureaucracy grind slow and exceedingly fine - it took a special commission to conclude that the RSFB should get a lethal injection. No reaction from the Swedish labour unions as yet.

Bringing it all back home, I would count it as major progress if our quangos managed, as it were, to first do no harm.

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The art of the pointless press release - a master class from Margaret Hodge

Wednesday, September 26, 2007
The DCMS have put out a release with this headline:

"Taking the Cultural Olympiad to the UK's regions - Culture Minister Margaret Hodge names eight creative programmers for England".

Seeing the headline I reckoned it would be worth checking the names for known Labour party collaborators, but alas this was not possible, as despite there being the thick end of one thousand words of blether, the eight lucky quangocrats are not named. No they are not.

However, it does have a link to a comparatively high resolution image of Margaret Hodge for her fans to download and keep.

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Former Kinnock aide praises his ministerial boss. And says so in an interview...

Thursday, September 20, 2007
Say hello to Andrew Cahn, Chief Executive of UK Trade & Investment, a quango attached to the DTI, cough, Department for Business, Enterprise & Regulatory Reform.

Here is an excerpt from his biography:

"Andrew Cahn, 55, joined UKTI from British Airways, where he was Director of Government and Industry Affairs from 2000 to 2006. Prior to that he worked at the European Commission as Chef de Cabinet (Chief of Staff) for Neil Kinnock, Vice President for Administrative Reform and European Commissioner for Transport".

Think he might be used to dealing with Socialists?

Anyway, in the best tradition of brown-nosing underlings everywhere, he thinks his new boss is great. Really great. Or does he?:

"In Digby Jones we have a high-profile, passionate minister, dedicated to trade and investment who will be banging the drum for British business overseas,” he says. “Digby is a fantastic asset to us. He is a larger-than-life character".

Admittedly Diggers is more than a little on the porky side, but it does seem a little unmanly to draw attention to the fellow's size.

And then:

"He said he is going to do one long-haul, one short-haul and one regional visit a month – I know he will deliver on this. He will be overseas batting for Britain and that’s very valuable to me..."

Diggers has been in his post since the 29th of June. Does this mean that the Minister has not been racking up the air miles in the last 3 months?

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'When I use a word...it means just what I choose it to mean - neither more nor less.'

Tuesday, September 11, 2007
And playing Humpty Dumpty we have the Home Office:

"The Home Secretary committed to placing independent advice at the heart of immigration decisions today as she announced that Professor David Metcalf has been appointed as the Chair of the new Migration Advisory Committee (MAC)".

'Migration'.

Yup, so we can look forward to Metcalf, of whom more later, advising the state to persuade the halt and the lame, the unskilled, the old, the ill etc etc that it would be a really good idea to 'migrate' somewhere. Or come to that, that the nation has too many hairdressers, estate agents or even, heaven forfend, quangocrats?

Or could it be that 'immigration' is just far too frightening a word for the Government to use?

As to Metcalf, Burnham is clearly a fan:

"I am delighted to have someone of Professor David Metcalf's calibre and experience as chair of the Migration Advisory Committee. His appointment underlines how seriously the Government takes the effective management of migration. The Committee will ensure that we are in a position to maximise the economic benefits that migration brings to the UK"

He's on message, is he not?

As to Metcalf, his CV includes a 10 year stint at the Low Pay Commission, ravening enthusiasm for trade unions and membership of the Union Modernisation Fund, which as Guido has pointed out directs some £10m a year to the syndicalists. And the syndicalists give Labour £11m.

I think I am safe in assuming that Metcalf does not spend much time hanging out at the ASI.

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Resigning because the powers that be will not do one out of a job

Thursday, August 23, 2007
That is the rather curious position of the head of the Swedish National Board of Film Classification, Gunnel Arrbäck. She wants to end all film censorship for adults, as do her colleagues, but because the Swedish government will not change the law she has resigned. Source.

Erm, didn't this amount to 'sack me or I'll resign'? For most folk in employment, avoiding the Spanish Archer is a major pre-occupation, but I suppose I should sigh wistfully wishing that this nation's quangocrats and the like would see the light and call for an end to their wretched organisations.

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More from my favourite quango

Tuesday, July 03, 2007
The Maritime And Coastguard Agency, long my favourite quango because of the courtly prose it uses, has again struck gold:

"Early this morning a missing RNLI lifeguard and a female companion were recovered after being trapped for some hours in a cave in the Porth area. The male lifeguard, a New Zealand national, and woman had earlier yesterday afternoon gone to look at a cave which is only accessible at low tide. Both individuals were wearing brightly coloured wet suits". Source

And the thoughts of the watch manager: "To hear of the successful recovery has been of great cheer to all the rescue units who have worked on this incident".

I imagine the Kiwi feels a bit of a fool, and at the risk of cynicism I am prepared to guess that they were not admiring the rock formations of the cave....

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Headlines that flatter only to deceive

Friday, June 08, 2007
Like this one from the Maritime And Coastguard Agency, which is nevertheless still my favourite quango:

"'Playing Around' : an apology".

Sounds like it could be amusing, does it not? Alas they are apologising to the owner of a yacht of that name. Sigh.

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Quango moves into the gardening advice business

Tuesday, April 03, 2007
The Consumer Council for Water's tireless championing of the consumer continues. The quango which seems to do everything but promote the interests of consumers has moved from household water saving tips to gardening advice. Yes, really.

Here is the ne plus ultra: "Reduce water loss through evaporation by protecting the garden from wind - fences and hedges will do the job well".

Consider even a postage stamp sized urban garden. Is there anyone who in order to bring a thin smile to the lips of 'Dame' Yve Buckland would fork out for a selection of fence panels in order to reduce water evaporation? If there are any such, I think they deserve to be bracketed with the idiot super patriot who willed his entire estate to the state for making a small hole in the national debt.

And there is, naturally, more. Much more:

Cover over with a mulch to keep water in and weeds out.

Yet again the water industry's catamite demands that the consumer be the cost avoider.

Consider also the garden fence etc conversations across the land over this one: "Consider making more use of plants which cope well with dry weather, like geraniums, lavenders and kitchen herbs".

I am looking forward to the Chelsea Flower Show being slammed by the CCW for use of moisture hungry plants...

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A whingeing quangocrat

Tuesday, February 13, 2007
I do not suppose many of us will have heard of Jane Earl, head of the Assets Recovery Agency. She does not appear to be the Jane Earl who starred in Guerillas in Pink Lace, but who can be sure?

Showing the grasp of logic one would expect from someone in her position, she has complained that, "Certain criminals made much of their criminal proceeds back in the 1980s and they are clearly outside the grasp of the law. There are key people who we could never go after simply because of the limitation period." My emphasis.

Likewise, my ability to hunt down and kill certain politicians is limited 'simply because of the law'.

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"Water, water, every where, Nor any drop to drink".

Thursday, January 18, 2007
Well not exactly, but I'm feeling literary today, and so to a report on the lifting of hose pipe bans today - and you can bet your bottom euro you will not be getting a letter from your water company telling you this.

'Dame' Yve Buckland, a quango queen if ever there was one, and for whom I was not given the opportunity to vote in as head of the Consumer Council for Water, reckons "Consumers...will be relieved that restrictions have been lifted before the planting and growing season starts in the garden. However, it's still important that we use water wisely. Consumers are prepared to do their bit, both by avoiding wastage and by considering water-efficient devices".

Erm, this the consumer council, yes? As a matter of absolutely basic economics, when any commodity is available on an all you can eat basis, there is absolutely no incentive for a user to pay any mind to how they use it. Given that water metering is not being rolled out in any serious fashion, water use cannot be controlled through use of the price mechanism, so instead we are faced with the annual campaign of bullying, intimidation and 'shaming' into restricting the amount of water one uses.

These include:

"Use water efficient appliances in the home. A typical family of four uses the equivalent of two baths of water every day: fit a Save-a-Flush device (you may see it called a 'hippo' or even a 'bog hog') and you could save a litre each time you flush".

They do not work. One has to double flush...

"Save water when washing - take a shower rather than a bath, don't leave the tap on when brushing your teeth and use the plug in the washbasin when shaving".

Right. And then one has to run the tap to rinse away the bristle / shaving soap tide mark around one's sink. Also not a very good idea. And for the more romantic among my readers, a candlelit shower tends to be less atmospheric.

And so on and so forth. However, for businesses it gets worse:

"Appoint a water monitor: Assign a member of staff to walk regularly around the site, checking for any obvious waste or excessive water use".

I'll offer the usual odds - Lombard St to a rotten orange - that the average corporate water monitor will be a self-important and deeply disfunctional automaton from 'Human Resources' who will be transported to ecstacy by his or her new powers to 'bully, intimidate and 'shame'.

And perhaps the victims will declare:

"Ah ! well a-day ! what evil looks
Had I from old and young!
Instead of the cross the Albatross
About my neck was hung".


Water metering - NOW. You know it makes sense.

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The Nation's most well-mannered quango?

Monday, January 08, 2007
Would appear to be the Maritime And Coastguard Agency. A press release at Prava Central starts thus: "At ten minutes to nine yesterday evening Solent Coastguard received a 999 call from a concerned gentleman. The man was concerned for two ladies, they had both gone for a walk with a dog at half past four in the afternoon".

I think that is rather charming.

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Meet Ulster’s Quango Queen

Who is Felicity Huston. She is the Public Appointments Commissioner for Northern Ireland, and is desperately exercised that there are not enough women working for quangos and the like across the water. While bemoaning the fact that only around a third of public appointees are women compared to the relative balance between Protestants and Catholics, she does not deign to give any indication as to the levels of application of XX and XY chromosome types to bodies, or the proportion of theoretically qualified applicants by gender, still less why a man or a woman is necessarily better placed for a given job by nature of gender.

Perhaps she wishes to add to her own portfolio, although it would look as though as she herself is quite the busy bee, working as a paid non-exec for Northern Ireland Energy Holdings Ltd and Northern Ireland Gas Transmission Ltd among others, while also finding time to be a director of the amusingly named Cassandra Consulting (Does anybody actually bother to check their classical allusions?) and to be a partner / shareholder in a number of tax ‘consultancies’, despite also being the Chairman of the NI Region Association of General Commissioners of Income Tax. I am sure that her tax advice is always to maximise the Revenue’s rake, isn’t it?

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