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Further harbingers of the Apocalypse

Wednesday, October 07, 2009
A Lego David Bowie:



This is meant to be '83 vintage Bowie (The crummy Let's Dance period), so I suppose that is just about believable.

And if that wasn't bad enough, a Lego Iggy:



Well, if you are going to sell out, you might as well have some fun in the process.  Both of them are starring in a video game called Lego Rock band.  More on the Thin White Duke here, and  James Newell Osterberg here.  I imagine DB will not be singing 'Time', and Iggy will not be singing 'Sixteen'.

Who's next?  The Dead Kennedys? 

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posted by Croydonian

Further portents of the Apocalypse

Friday, September 04, 2009
Maybe I am over-egging it a tad, but I am a little concerned by the prospect of white goods in the livery of a football team. Yes, really.

"Here’s something for the FC Bayern Munich fan who has everything: a high-efficiency washing machine and vacuum cleaner set kitted-out in the football club’s colours....German industrial giant Siemens has the two Bayern-themed appliances on display at Berlin’s sprawling IFA consumer electronics fair, which kicks off for the public on Friday".

It turns out that it is not that dramatic after all: "The Bayern designs are limited to a simple logo strategically placed on the washing machine and vacuum cleaner".

Perhaps Siemens could have some fun with the more obsessive fans by unleashing a new paint job for each year's new strip.

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posted by Croydonian

Good grief...

Monday, July 27, 2009
Brace yourselves for this from the Hindustan Times:

"Gameloft is a mobile games company that specialises in developing mobile games based on world celebrities and Hollywood movies and will soon release the game on Hilton.

Paris Hilton's Diamond Guest, is the first official mobile game from Paris Hilton, showing the star's glamorous side and elegance, a release in Mumbai said".

Erm, just how exciting will a PG version of a Paris Hilton game be? What could it involve beyond shopping and making foolish observations?



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posted by Croydonian

The end of history and the last pub, or 234 years to the Apocalypse

Tuesday, July 21, 2009
(With apologies)

Mr. Evennett: To ask the Secretary of State for Culture, Media and Sport what estimate he has made of the number of public houses which have closed in the last 12 months; and if he will make a statement.

Mr. Sutcliffe: The DCMS Statistical Bulletin on Alcohol, Entertainment and Late Night Refreshment does not identify the number of pubs in England and Wales; but rather the number of premises authorising the sale or supply of alcohol by means of a premises licence or a club premises certificate. We understand that CGA Strategy, the pub and drinks market analyst, which tracks the pub closure rate on behalf of the British Beer and Pub Association, currently estimates that between 51 and 53 pubs a week are closing. At 53 per week, the pub closure level would equate to around 2,750 per year. Source

Let's run with the figure of 57,500 in 2007. At a rate of 4.78% of closures per year, the last one will close in 2244. Given that, to adapt the joke about the two Jews on a desert island joke, one needs to have a pub one does not go to, it is worse - there will only be one by 2223. We will be down to four figures by 2043 (which I *might* live to see), and three figures by 2090. If the rate continues to fall at 2,750 per year, the End of Days comes in 2027.

If this terrible set of events is not to come to pass, 'think globally, drink locally'.


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posted by Croydonian

The things Belgians get upset about

Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Advertising for credit cards. This is the lead story at Le Soir, by the way.

Visa have been running a radio advert in Belgium in which consumers use credit cards to buy food. In this case, bananas. Pretty shocking, huh? At least it was for 'an expert on poverty and social exclusion' in the pay of the federal government, who brought suit to the jury of advertising ethics. I am NOT making this up.

The complaint was thrown out, the JEP reckoning it was 'not an incitement to over-consumption and thus over-spending'.

I would not doubt but that there are people in these parts who would wish to have the same powers under our law.

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posted by Croydonian

Prepare to be nauseated

Thursday, June 25, 2009
Those of weak dispositions should click somewhere else, anywhere else, now. Here's Google.

Anyone still here, note this horror from Ha'aretz:

"According to reports, Spears has been offered a part in the upcoming Holocaust film The Yellow Star of Sophia and Eton, which integrates time travel, concentration camps and a love story.

If she accepts the role, Spears will be taking on the title role of Sophia LaMont, a woman who invents a time machine and succeeds in traveling to the time of the Second World War. According to the script, LaMont ends up at a concentration camp and falls in love with a Jewish prisoner named Eton. However, the budding love story is cut short when both are killed by the Nazis".

The whole thing smells of PR stunt to me, but the project sounds like the worst outbreak of cinematic Shoah abuse yet.

Anyway, having done my bit to spoil everyone's morning, I am now off to lie down in a darkened room for a bit.

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posted by Croydonian

That's it - the apocalypse is finally upon us

Monday, May 18, 2009
I know I have warned of this a few times in the past, but this time I really have the supporting evidence, as the Ramblers (which used to be called the Ramblers Association, but presumably that was too boojwah, was insufficiently inclusive etc etc) have put out a press release, spotted at ePolitix.com:

"Get Walking Day is the Ramblers' annual celebration of the joy of walking".

OK, with you so far.

"We want to inspire people of all ages to go for a walk on 30th May and, ideally, to continue walking regularly afterwards. Walking is really good for physical, social and emotional well-being".

Unless you are walking back from a funeral, from having been dumped, lost you job etc. However, those are details.

Ok, here it comes:

"No special equipment or training is needed and almost anyone can do it".

See, I was right, wasn't I? And what is more, there is an EDM using much the same form of words, including that stake directed at the heart of anything even vaguely approaching common sense.

Shoot me now. It would be a kindness.

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posted by Croydonian

Alarming surveys dept

Wednesday, May 06, 2009
C/O of Harris Interactive for the Herald Tribune.

"In your opinion, what is the likelihood that [bankrupcty, miltary coup, civil war or war] in a neighbouring country will happen in the next three years?

Nigh on 20% of my compatriots expect one of the latter three in our neighbourhood. This rather begs the question as to what our neighbourhood is. At the narrowest it would have to be the Republic of Ireland, but broadening it out a tad, Hibernia plus the countries on the North Sea littoral would seem a fair definition of 'neighbouring countries'. Being uncharacteristically optimistic, I cannot see the gutters of Oslo running with blood any time soon

Anyway, the figures:


I imagine Uncle Sam's nephews and nieces are thinking of Mexico rather than Canada.

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posted by Croydonian

O tempora, o mores!

Sunday, March 08, 2009
Courtesy of wonk group the NLGN (headed by a former Labour MP), I have discovered anew quite how many sick punishment freaks lurk among an unsuspecting British populace.

It asked this question:

Please indicate which of the following possible directed surveillance methods your local council would be justified in using as a means of dealing with the following issues?

Now have a look at the chart below. Go on, double click on it, it is worth it.



That the public thinks covert video surveillance is appropriate for dealing with terrorism is not entirely surprising, although given that most councils seem to struggle with gritting the roads, emptying bins and so on, the idea that they would be able to do anything especially useful with film footage, even if the suspects were strolling around with a black spheres marked 'bomb', stretches credulity. It gets worse, however, as Joe and Josie Public think that theft, drug dealing and dangerous driving are more worthy of video surveillance than keeping an eye on those pesky Methodist suicide bombers. This, I fear is only par for the course, as are the majorities who want to point hidden cameras at fly-tippers, and get this, folk who allow their canine charges to leave their calling cards in the street.

Unnerving though that is, folk were also offered the possibility of having their councils tap phones and read one's e-mail. Majorities support that for organised crime and terrorism, and - as God is my witness, I am *not* making this up - around 10% are in favour of the Man (and Woman) at the council offices tapping phones and reading e-mail to see if school catchment rules are being broken.

However, it gets madder yet. There are people in favour of those same powers to combat the Four Horsemen that are, ahem, dog fouling, fly-tipping, illegal street trading and illegal parking.

Imagine, if you will, the conversation they might be listening in on:

"''Ere, Dave, I'm taking Fang out for a walk later. Do you want to bring Rex along, so we can synchronise their dumps right outside Mrs Miggin's house at number 32?"

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posted by Croydonian

Further signs of the apocalypse

Thursday, January 29, 2009
This, from the great city of Austin, Texas, and sent to me by a colleague:



The newsreaders think it was a hacker prank, but I think it is further proof that the Apocalypse is upon us.

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posted by Croydonian

Ban Ki-Moon's super powers

Saturday, January 24, 2009
Apparently. As God is my witness, I am *not* making this up.

"[Film director] Mr. Sciora is showcasing the work of the United Nations in other ways, too. His non-governmental organization, United Media, has collaborated with Marvel Enterprises on a comic book about us that will be launched in September....Imagine how satisfying it must be for him to have made it possible for his favourite Marvel characters to tell the story of how the United Nations fights poverty, disease and conflict worldwide".

I look forward to the hapless Mr Ban appearing in a comic strip averring "My UN-senses are tingling" or "Its Peacekeeping time!". Presumably he gained his supperpowers from exposure to radiation of some sort, or swallowing an AA battery.

Script suggestions from anyone with a more detailed knowledge of the sayings of Marvel superheroes are welcome.

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posted by Croydonian

Dante's Inferno - the video game

Friday, December 19, 2008



I am NOT making this up:

"Rome, December 18 - Dante's Inferno, the first book of the Divine Comedy, is soon to be released as an action-adventure video game by the company better known for its FIFA Football and James Bond game series. The new game developed by America's Electronic Arts (EA) follows the structure of Dante's 14th-century masterpiece, turning his nine circles of hell - limbo, lust, gluttony, greed, anger, heresy, violence, fraud and treachery - into levels that players must travel through, killing demons as they go. 'It was the right moment to adapt this masterpiece of world literature for the universe of interactive gaming and to introduce Dante to a public who isn't very familiar with his work of art,'' the game's executive producer Jonathan Knight told French newspaper Liberation (Gah - and I missed it. C)

''The tormented universe of the Italian poet represents an ideal basis for a third-person action-adventure game''.

Tempting though it is to note 'lasciate ogni speranza voi ch'entrate', instead I will go with 'Nessun maggior dolore Che ricordarsi del tempo felice Nella miseria' or 'There is no greater sorrow than to recall a happy time in the midst of misery' .



Meanwhile, I look forward to Il Gattapardo the video game, and Doom - le roman fleuve. In the spirit of crossing low with high culture, here is Pong - 'the haiku':

Bat strikes flying dot
which careens across the screen
one nil player one

Improvements by the readership upon that 30 second effort would be most welcome.

Truly the apocalypse is upon us.

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posted by Croydonian

Is the Apocalypse upon us? A poll has the answers.

Saturday, November 29, 2008
Only our Gallic chums come up with such outlandish polls, and I am profoundly grateful to Pelerin magazine for asking the Plain People of France if they believe that the Apocalypse is coming, and if so, what are the heralds thereof. I am *not* making this up, it is RIGHT HERE. Go on, click on it, I'll still be here if you come back.

So, with no further ado, the results:

Some speak of the Apocalypse, that is the end of the world. It is said that on this subject that certain portents indicate this Apocalypse. In your opinion, among the following, which are signs of the Apocalypse?

Global warming / climate change - 55%
International terrorism - 22%
Famines - 18%
The rise of religious fundamentalism (those pesky Methodists again...) - 17%
The financial and economic crisis - 16%

And the best of the lot

Bird flu - 8%

28% did not have an opinion or suggested something else. Woe unto Pelerin for depriving me of further amusement.

Do you believe in the Apocalypse, that is, the end of the world:

Yes - 22%, No - 75%, Don't know - 3%

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posted by Croydonian

Coming soon to a campus near you....

Wednesday, November 19, 2008
A development in Canada that I can see being taken up in these parts:

"Queen's University in Kingston, Ont., has hired six students whose jobs as "dialogue facilitators" will involve intervening in conversations among students in dining halls and common rooms to encourage discussion of such social justice issues as race, ethnicity, gender, sexual orientation, ability and social class".

....

"Like dons, who serve as student authorities in residence, the six facilitators will receive full room and board and a stipend for the full-year commitment, and will receive regular training".

Real world, I expect that the approach of the facilitators will have much the same effect on students as the bell of a leper.

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posted by Croydonian

Don't these people do their homework?

Friday, September 26, 2008
The local rag has a tale of yet another exciting high-rise development for these parts:

"The tall tower will contain 25,000 square metres of grade A office space and 360 apartments. Residents of all the apartments will have access to balconies or to two winter gardens".

All very blah blah.

But here's the 'why don't I just stick to pounding nails into the floor with my forehead' bit:

"Dubbed Odalisk by its architect, Piers Gough".

For anyone unfamiliar with the word, it is an alternative spelling of odalisque - 'a female slave in a harem'. Definition from the closest dictionary to hand, but confirmed here and here.

And there was I thinking that architects are, of necessity, renaissance men and women of culture and learning.

Why not call it the Brass Tower and be done with it?

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posted by Croydonian

Good grief

Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Visualise a doctor. He or she is wearing a white coat, and maybe sporting a stethoscope but Lombard Street to a rotten orange will have an expression of extreme smugness.

Not, however, North of the Border, as our Caledonian chums have just published the 'NHSScotland (sic) Dress Code (Interim)' report:

"Appropriate steps should be taken to minimise the risks of infections and cross contamination for patients and the public;

for example: staff should wear short-sleeved shirts/blouses and avoid wearing white coats or neck ties when providing patient care".

As if cracking down on the basic sartorial standards of a gentleman was not bad enough, life is about to made unpleasant for nerds too:

"Staff should not carry pens or scissors in outside breast pockets".

The plod will be wearing shorts next, you'll see. Meanwhile, I hear the thundering hooves getting ever nearer.....

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posted by Croydonian

The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse - the Cabinet Office's stabling arrangements

Friday, August 08, 2008
"As announced in the National Security Strategy, the Government has published a National Risk Register which sets out our assessment of the likelihood and potential impact of a range of different risks that may directly affect the UK". Source

Which is nice, isn't it?
Judging from Figure one above, (page 7 in the full report) , electronic attacks and attacks on transport (those pesky Methodist fundamentalists...) are reckoned more likely than animal disease, flooding and major transport accidents. Given that the Fenians are resting and the, cough, Methodist fundamentalists appear incapable of finding their own backsides even when aided by a bank of klieg lights, both hands and access to phone a friend, this strikes me as either alarmist re terrorism, or showing utter complacency about natural disasters and transport matters.

Enough of the serious stuff, on with teasing out 'Protect and Survive' style advice like 'hide in a ditch'.

Organisations first:

3.6 "Organisations may wish to put in place measures to maintain essential business activities for several weeks in the event of high levels of staff absence". Well strike me down with the proverbial...

3.12 "Loss of mains electricity can affect lighting, heating, air conditioning and electronic equipment". Fancy...

Individuals

4.3 ..take time to find out:... how to tune in to your local radio station
4.4 ... Make sure 999 has been called if people are injutred or if there is a threat to life.
4.10 It is important to consider how you might cope if your land line and mobile phone were out of action
4.14 - Covering the nose and mouth with a tissue when coughing or sneezing

No doubt the Four Horsemen will turn tail and head off in search of a more ill-prepared populace when they read this.

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posted by Croydonian

Nonsense on stilts, German style

Wednesday, July 09, 2008
From The Local:

"More than 40 German deputies on Tuesday proposed that the voting age be lowered to birth to give children a say in the country’s political future, the parliamentary press service said...They proposed that parents be allowed to vote for their offspring, until such time that the children felt they were ready to cast ballots themselves".

One of the partisans is named as a Free Democrat, the FDP being reasonably sound, generally. I will accept that 16, 18, 21 or whatever is an arbitrary age, and would regard dropping the voting age to 16 in these parts as being reasonable, with this the youngest age regarded as a threshold of adulthood.

What our woolly-minded German friends do not seem to have factored in is that an awful lot of pater and mater familiases will deem their progeny incompetent to vote, and should mutti, vatti and die kinder kick off in a polling station, who decides who gets to exercise the franchise? I forsee lots of litigation, lots of harassed polling officials, domestic violence and probably an outbreak of parties bribing younger voters with the promise of jelly and ice cream rather than the traditional cakes and ale.

Truly etc etc.

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posted by Croydonian

Headline o' the day

Friday, June 20, 2008
And it is a winner:

"There will be no Armageddon".

The denial of the End of Days comes from Yury Zaitsev writing for Russian news agency Novosti, although at the end it notes 'The opinions expressed in this article are the author's and do not necessarily represent those of RIA Novosti'.

So, truly the apocalypse is, or is not, upon us.

(The item is actually about the launching of a Large Hadron Collider at CERN)

Just thought I'd add this, from those nice people at xkcd, who have a creative commons licence for their stuff:

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posted by Croydonian

Words fail me. Almost

Friday, May 30, 2008
Verity having pointed out the following "Hans Christian Andersen is the spitting image of a 19th Century British writer but I can't think who. Maybe George Elliott ... or one of the Brontes. Or someone else. But he is the spitting image of someone", I have been sniffing around the internet in search of the match. No luck so far, but look what I've found:


Why, yes - it is the Jane Austen action figure, as sold by the Library of Congress thusly:

"Jane Austen was one of the greatest English novelists in history. Despite a rather sheltered life, she was able to capture the subtleties of human interaction so perfectly that her novels continue to be immensely popular to this day. This 5-1/4" tall, hard vinyl action figure comes with a book (Pride & Prejudice) and a writing desk with removable quill pen!"

Yours for $8.50.

Other writers available are Poe - "with a hauntingly pale complexion and a removable plastic raven" and Shakespeare. Nominations for the accoutrements that would suit other writers, should they be immortalised in hard vinyl, are welcome - Solzhenitsyn's foot cloths maybe or De Quincey's laudanum bottle.

However, it would be selfish of me not to point out the star attraction:

"If you just can't get enough of the Dewey decimals or if you go bananas for books, chances are you have a Librarian Action Figure. Nancy Pearl's likeness made history as the best selling Librarian Action Figure of all time".


Looks like Nancy can move her arms but lower body movement would appear to be beyond her.

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posted by Croydonian