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Today's brass neck award...

Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Goes to Tessa Jowell. And here is why:

"Mr. Gibb: To ask the Minister for the Olympics how many Questions for written answer were tabled to her in each Session since she was appointed; and how many were (i) answered substantively and (ii) not answered on grounds of disproportionate cost"

A fairly reasonable question, no?

And the answer:

"The number of written questions tabled (and transferred) to me as Minister for the Olympics is as follows: 2006-7 - 82 2007-8 - 293".

So far so good.

Here comes the bit where I suspect that her c1-c7 vertabrae are rich in an alloy of zinc and copper:

"Information on how many written questions were answered substantively and not answered on grounds of disproportionate cost is not readily available and could be provided only at disproportionate cost".

Insert your preferred empahatic term for 'nonsense' here. TJ could set one of her underlings to search Hansard - always supposing she did not have the information in her own files and deliver an answer after maybe 10 minutes work by the minion.


Tem minutes is rather an over estimate. Here are the results of searching 'disproportionate cost' at Theyworkforyou.com.

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posted by Croydonian

What a bunch of Stakhanovites in the Chancery of the Duchy of Lancaster

Thursday, November 06, 2008
From Hansard:

"Robert Neill: To ask the Chancellor of the Duchy of Lancaster pursuant to the answer to the hon. Member for Beckenham of 7 October 2008, Official Report, column 557W, on departmental television, which channels are subscribed to as part of the Sky Mixes selection.

Mr. Watson: The Sky mixes selection to which my Department subscribes provides for the full range of channels available under the Sky World package and covers the following categories which are described in detail on the company’s website; News and Events, Sport, Style and Culture, Variety, Kids, Knowledge, Music and Movies".


Which is nice for Liam Byrne and his merry men and women - Jowell, the West Bromwich Adonis and other folk too dull to mention. News I can understand, and maybe, just maybe sport although the Olympics is a reserved sport for terrestrial. Shame, I wish the underwater tiddlywinks etc could be banished from my set...

However, a bit of trawling around on the Sky website suggests that Byrne (there's a great Flann O'Brien 'Chapman and Keats' tale involving that name. Available on request), Watson, Jowell et al can put their feet up during the day and watch some of these:

Baby TV

Trouble - these jokes write themselves, don't they?

MTV Dance

Kerrang

Real Madrid TV

Diva TV

Or, lurking at the far end of the channel numbers, there are some of these - babeworld.tv, Essex babes, Friendly TV, Get Lucky TV, Psychic (no 'k') TV, Supreme Master TV and The Reality Zone.

Maybe the last but one enables the Cabinet Office to fulfill its brief of "supporting the Prime Minister and the Cabinet".

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posted by Croydonian

Bad news for Londoners born in 1994 or later

Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Not my problem, fortunately, but here is an advanced warning for those, resident in these parts, with young children:

"The government is working to fill all seats at London's 2012 Games, Olympics minister Tessa Jowell has said....If they were not filled "by people who have paid the full price", they should be filled by schoolchildren she said".

Sounds like a cruel and unusual punishment, and I recommend parents make plans to get out of Dodge well before 2012 or to at least book a holiday away for the duration, otherwise some way down the line there will be an awful lot of psychoanalysts hearing 'my parents hated me - they made me watch underwater tiddlywinks for hours on end '.

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posted by Croydonian

Shock o' the day

Wednesday, July 23, 2008
From Hansard:

David Simpson: To ask the Minister for the Olympics how many staff in her Office have had five or more periods of sickness absence of less than five days in two or more of the last five years.

Tessa Jowell: None.


Blimey. Either they are a very fit and healthy bunch, or else they like their work so much they will bound into the office despite hangovers, Lassa fever, in-growing toenails and what have you. Or, perhaps, they sit around playing Tetris and Tessa lacks the authority to make them do any work.


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posted by Croydonian

A bit of gratuitous Jowell bashing

Monday, April 07, 2008
A video, not necessarily the original, has appeared at the Number 10 site:



Note that Tessa refers to the Olympic values of 'excellence, tolerance and friendship'. Yes she does, right there at about 40 seconds in. They are bland enough for Ahmadinejad and Kim Jong-Il to sign up to, and not even remotely in conflict with the policies of the 'People's Republic' of China.

However, a little digging reveals points one and two of the charter:

1. Olympism is a philosophy of life, exalting and combining in a balanced whole the qualities of body, will and mind. Blending sport with culture and education, Olympism seeks to create a way of life based on the joy of effort, the educational value of good example and respect for universal fundamental ethical principles.
2. The goal of Olympism is to place sport at the service of the harmonious development of man, with a view to promoting a peaceful society concerned with the preservation of human dignity.

And what is the most basic ethical premise, one shared by every ethical system and every serious religion?: the Golden Rule, or do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

Lest the Chinese government is uncertain how this might apply to cracking heads in Tibet, I offer this from the Analects:

Never impose on others what you would not choose for yourself

Or from the Buddha:

One who, while himself seeking happiness, oppresses with violence other beings who also desire happiness, will not attain happiness hereafter

Meanwhile, Jowell is also noting the people in Downing Street to greet what is basically a rather stylised hurricane lamp, without being honest enough to say that they were hand picked.

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posted by Croydonian

Tessa Jowell 'out on the tiles'?

Tuesday, December 11, 2007
That is what the Minister for the North East thinks she was up to yesterday:

"My right hon. Friend the Minister for the Olympics had hoped to attend the debate, but she is metaphorically “Over the hills and far away”—no doubt “Out on the tiles”—so that leaves me to say to my hon. Friend, “Your time is gonna come”. Through “Good times, bad times”, my hon. Friend has been a champion for Middlesbrough and for Cleveland".

The oh so waggish Nick Brown was responding to Middlesborough MP Ashok Kumar, who wants the Olympics to benefit the North East. Doubtless. Perhaps he could start by getting the Smoggies to stump up part of the cost of "The world's largest outdoor steroid abuse festival".

Brown may well have secured a freebie to see the Led Zeppelin reunion last night, hence the blizzard of Zep references above. Can't say that either Brown or Kumar strike me as Zep afficionados, but who knows?

However, he chose all the wrong song titles. From LZI he could have picked the rather more apt 'Dazed & Confused', 'Communication breakdown, from LZII 'What is and should never be', The Lemon Song' and 'Ramble on'. This is like hunting sheep with a 12-bore, isn't it? Getting a touch more edgy, there's 'Gallows Pole' on LZ3, 'The Wanton Song' on Physical Graffiti and the Blind Willie Johnson, Josh White etc derived 'Nobody's fault but mine' on Presence.

Meanwhile, back at the plot, was La Jowell ever reconciled with her husband, if so what would he think of the accusation?

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posted by Croydonian

'Tessa Jowell says something interesting' shocker

Thursday, November 22, 2007
And its right there in Hansard:

Mr. Stewart Jackson: To ask the Minister for the Olympics what support is available for (a) Peterborough City Council and (b) other local authorities in Cambridgeshire to develop their strategies and policies in relation to the hosting of the London 2012 Olympics.

Tessa Jowell: The Local Government Association is supporting local authorities across the UK in the lead up to the London 2012 Olympic Games and Paralympic Games. In addition the Nations and Regions Group, chaired by Charles Alien, coordinates legacy benefits planning across the UK, including in the East of England.

Explains a lot, does it not?

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posted by Croydonian

Tessa Jowell, slave labour enthusiast

Wednesday, August 08, 2007
Our old 'friend' Tessa Jowell has poked her head out from under the wainscotting, and is engaging in the logically curious concept of celebrating an event that has not yet happened:

"Olympics Minister Tessa Jowell today celebrated one year to the Opening Ceremony of the Olympic Games in Beijing by pledging to learn from the Chinese experience".

So, we can look forward to slave labour, extermination of the indigenous culture of outlying parts of these islands, a one child per couple policy, a one party state, a virtually zero score on the classic liberal rights and so on. Nice experience to learn from, eh?

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posted by Croydonian

A good day to make up bad statistics

Thursday, May 10, 2007
It was bound to happen, wasn't it? Admittedly this is a fairly harmless piece of fluff from Jowell's DCMS. Tessa notes that 94% of the English adult population in England 'have engaged in at least one form of cultural or sporting opportunity during the past twelve months' and she reckons (or more realistically, one of her peons reckons) that 'This comprehensive survey shows the vital role culture and sport play in the life of our country'.

Before I start making hay over the definitions of sport and culture, how does the fact that people choose to do something demonstrate a 'vital role...in the life of our country'? The same 'argument' could be made for scratching one's head, staring out of the window or crossing the road.

However, onwards:

Sport is taken to include angling, hill walking, indoor bowls, darts (I just *knew* it would be), and my favourite, 'Snooker, pool, billiards (except bar billiards)'. Righty-ho, no bar billiards. That shows they are serious in their definition of 'sport', does it not?

And as for arts participation, the DCMS's definition goes just a little beyond what most of us would consider it to be. And the nation's leading form of arts participation is, wait for it, having 'Bought any original/handmade crafts such as pottery or jewellery for yourself' at 16%. Also popular is mucking about with Photoshop 'creating original artworks using a computer' (11.6%). Getting a touch more high brow, supposedly 0.5% of the nation did ballet last year, and the same percentage opera. Could that be Rattus norvegicus I find myself downwind of? The single most alarming statistic must be the 4.3% of the population that claims to write poetry.

I suggest that Jowell should be subjected to a lengthy term of incarceration with the nation's amateur poets forming a relay to declaim at her as payback for the egregiously dishonest 94% 'cultural or sporting opportunity' engagement figure.






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posted by Croydonian

Tessa Jowell concedes she is a child

Sunday, March 18, 2007
"Tessa Jowell threatened to 'jump out of her pram' if the £10billion Olympics budget was cut by reducing the amount spent on non-sporting facilities, it has been revealed". Source

Yes please.

As 'mania and I were agreeing the other day, Pacino's insult of 'you (expletive deleted) child' to the Spacey character in the peerless 'Glengarry Glen Ross' is remarkably effective in context.

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posted by Croydonian