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Parallel universes dept

Thursday, September 04, 2008
Norway is agog at the first publication of a Norrwegian Who's Who, or 'Hvem Ver Hvem', as our Norwegian chums call it.

If truth be told it is more like hard cover version of those tedious Power / Wealth / Foot size one hundreds that are still all the rage with newspaper publishers, and as such comes up with a Norwegian Power Top Ten.

And this is where we end up with reality, if not as we know it:

Number One is the splendidly named Roar Flåthen. Who dat? The head of Norway's trade union federation. Norway's PM scrapes in at #10.

Try, if you will, to visualise Brendan Barber of the TUC, or Derek Simpson / Tony Woodley of Unite. Not that easy, and I can summon up a mental image of Len Murray rather more quickly.

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Taking jelly & ice cream with Osama Bin Laden

Thursday, August 28, 2008
Not my idea, but our Swiss and Norwegian chums seem to think it is a cracking idea:

"[Foreign secretary Raymond] Johansen told the website for newspaper Dagsavisen Wednesday afternoon that Afghan President Hamid Karzai has also called for reconciliation among the various groups in Afghanistan. That would include Osama bin Laden's followers.

"We support that," Johansen said. "Engagement and dialogue have a lot going for them." He also stressed that "negotiations are not the same as weakness."

...

Johansen's remarks come in the wake of a visit by Swiss Foreign Minister Micheline Calmy-Rey to Iran, and her call for dialogue with Osama bin Laden. "We have no military forces (Yes, they do - and I'm not going to make any tired jokes about the SAK. C) we don’t have anything other than the power of the word to influence other states or to influence decisions in a multilateral setting".

One of Johansen fellow Norwegians, legal philosopher / sociologist Vilhelm Aubert devised a bi-partite model for analysing conflict - conflicts of value and conflicts of interest. The latter lend themselves to a splitting of the difference after negotiation, the former decidedly do not. Given that the short form version of OBL's wish list includes the restoration of a Caliphate ruling rom the Atlantic to the South China Sea, the Swiss and Norwegian foreign offices do not really have the power to offer up that on a plate, negotiation with OBL is at best a waste of time, and at worst, well no detail is required.

However Johansen, sensible fellow that he actually is, has gone on to note the following: "I don't think Osama bin Laden or the forces around al-Qaida want dialogue," Johansen said. "They prefer rather to take the lives of infidels." Well done Raymond, ten out of ten.



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Every spy a prince

Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Or more accurately, some princes spies, to adapt Leviticus 13:1-2.

Newly opened documents from Washington show that Norway's King Olav (1957-1991) was on the OSS's payroll during the war, he being the crown prince at the time. By all accounts his Majesty was a thoroughly decent sort, but I do wonder quite how much use any spying prowess he had would have been, given that he was in exile in these parts.

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Job satisfaction

Saturday, July 05, 2008
I imagine most of us know the 'what? And leave show business' joke, so I'll spare the repetition.

Anyway, next time work seems dull, pointless or downright Sisyphean, consider the lot of Oslo's Finest:

"Four persons who arrived in Oslo without any identity papers were mighty surprised when police later confronted them with the remnants of their passports – found after sifting through the contents of their flight's toilets. It was a real dirty job," remarked one of the police officers assigned to the case".

Pretty impressive commitment to the job, yes?

"All four later disappeared, however, from the asylum centre where they'd been sent, before their cases came up for interviews".

I think the Plod in question would be well within their rights to go postal, frankly.

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'Like a dog walking on his hinder legs'

Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Norwegian pols have been roundly criticised for speaking poor English:

"Some top Norwegian politicians speak such poor English that they risk losing influence as they stumble through prepared speeches or try to express themselves to foreigners, claims a professor at the University of Oslo. He thinks it's downright embarrassing. Bernt Hagtvedt, a professor of political science at the University of Oslo, is tired of listening to Norwegian politicians speak broken English when addressing foreign audiences".

My Norwegian stems almost entirely from A-level geography - fjord, saeter and so forth, although a friend at university passed on the unforgettable pinnsvin for hedgehog.

While it would be unrealistic for Norwegian politicians to expect much facility in Norwegian from guests beyond Scandinavia, compare this audio clip of Jens Stoltenberg speaking with any memory that one can dredge up of Prescott mangling our native tongue. Yes, Stoltenberg is a bit hesitant, but his meaning is perfectly clear. Likewise former PM Kare Willoch or Erik Solheim.

Anyway, Prescott:




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Norwegian humour - and very funny it is too

Friday, May 16, 2008

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A good idea from Norway

Thursday, February 28, 2008
From Aftenposten:

"Norway’s Foreign Ministry has decided that the best diplomats should be sent to war-torn or tumultuous places like Afghanistan, Pakistan or Sri Lanka, instead of the coveted, cushy, and prestigious jobs in London, Paris and Washington...The Foreign Ministry feels that many of the undesirable posts are actually more important than the more prestigious ones, and wants to reward those who take on such challenges better".

Absolutely, and I would like the F&CO to take note and follow this example.

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Cleaning up November's party

Monday, February 25, 2008
There are countless odd ways that the state spends our money, and doubtless there is something to offend everyone. I have found something quite remarkable, which the DTI' Department for Business, Enterprise and Regulatory Reform' is doing on our behalf: it is paying, along with our Norwegian friends, to clear up someone else's mess. In this case an outmoded November-class submarine (hence the headline) once employed by the Krasny Flot:

"The UK and Norway will share the £3.9 million cost to dismantle the decommissioned November Class submarine No291, which will be de-fuelled and then towed to Nerpa Shipyard for dismantling. Once dismantled to a single compartment unit (containing the de-fuelled reactor) the submarine will be transferred to Saida Bay for land-based interim storage. Project management and technical advice for the UK Government will be provided by NUKEM Ltd (yes, it is called that. But one word, not two)".

And this is not the first time - "Through the Global Threat Reduction Programme, the UK has successfully dismantled three nuclear powered submarines: two Oscars (Zvezdochka Shipyard) and a Victor (Nerpa Shipyward) including documentation and infrastructure work at both shipyards. This is the fourth submarine dismantling project the UK has undertaken".

Isn't that kind of us? While the Russian Federation does not rejoice in a Swiss-level of income per head at present, and it might well be little more than Burkina Faso with gas, there is an awful lot of gas over yonder. Presumably Putin has decided that he does not like the polluter pays principle, and has been making menacing noises about scuttling the nuclear powered submarine somewhere between Arkhangelsk and the Shetlands, and therefore has convinced Muggins and Møggins that we should pony up for the privilege of that not happening. Sounds like blackmail to me.

The Russians having established this way of doing business, the scope for shaking down the more gullible governments is endless.

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Hypocrisy, Norwegian style

Tuesday, January 08, 2008
Some among my readers will recall Gro Harlem Brundtland, former Norwegian PM, Socialist, Bilderberger, grandstander, anti-smoking fanatic and general nuisance. She was last spotted graciously allowing herself to become the token white woman in the ridiculous 'Elders' project.

Anyway, she's been naughty. Very naughty. She has been living in France, while continuing to make use of Norway's socialised medical system while not paying income tax in either jurisdiction. And she has not been declaring income from a US speakers bureau or from fizz merchants Pepsico. GHB, let it be noted, used to head the World Health Organisation.

Having twigged that it is not possible, credibility-wise, to have one's cake, eat it and exhibit it at Olympia CakeEx, she is threatening promising to return to Norway. I feel sorry for our Norwegian friends.

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An existential crisis for the Red Army

Friday, December 21, 2007
Or more correctly, the Sukhoputnyye Sily Rossii or Russian Ground Forces. As everyone is all to well aware, the Russians have been engaging in all sorts of shashka-rattling in and around the North and Norwegian Seas by way of bomber flights, naval manoeuvres and so on. Norway has been a particular target.

Presumably the Russians were not doing this for the view or because there was just so much avgas to burn up, but rather to impress upon NATO countries that the Bear was not to be trifled with.

However, "Early this month Russian Defense Chief Yuri Baluyevsky asked for a meeting with Norwegian counterpart Sverre Diesen to clarify Norway's opinion of their northern neighbor....Baluyevsky reportedly wanted to confirm that Russia was not viewed as a threat by Norway".

I do not suppose that the Red Wheel - as was - is likely to be rolling towards Trondheim any time soon, but there is something profoundly silly about a military that has been acting in an intimidating way then getting the jitters lest it has succeeded in being intimidating.

Meandering a bit, I would like to hear the Song of the Soviet Airmen, supposedly written by an American defector / sympathiser / useful idiot and inspired by Harvard gridiron football fight songs, so to speak. The refrain, from memory, goes like this:

"Higher and higher and higher
soars the Soviet star.
And every propeller is roaring
defend the USSR!"

While attempting to pin down the reference, I discovered that some public-spirited individual has a web page with the lyrics to sundry Socialist songs. Quite entertaining, some of them, especially 'Harry was a Bolshie':

"Harry was a Bolshie, one of Stalin's lads
Till he was foully murdered by counter revolutionary cads
Counter revolutionary, counter revolutionary cads
He was foully murdered by counter revolutionary cads"

Said Harry was Pollitt, one time GenSec of the CPGB, and according to Wiki died of a brain haemorrhage.

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Man takes train, secures newspaper headline

Saturday, December 08, 2007
The man in question being Albert Arnold Gore Jr. Having flown from the US to Oslo, that he got the equivalent of the Gatwick Express from the airport to the city centre has the Norwegians agog, as VIPs (God I loathe that concept) normally get a car into town.

Not that this should be seen as a publicity stunt, of course.

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A long way to go for politicking

Thursday, November 15, 2007
Pity Jens Stoltenberg, the Norwegian PM, who is off to Antarctica in January. Aftenpost reckons he "will become the first Norwegian Prime Minister to visit Antarctica".

I would be fairly surprised if many other pols have made the trip, although it would appear that New Zealand's leaders take jollies to the Antarctic from time to time. In line with usual practice, I am prepared to stump up a large contribution to buying a one way ticket for 'our' Prime Minister.

Stoltenberg is off to the amusingly named Troll research station, which is well within the Circle, unlike King George Island on the Antarctic Peninsula which Ban Ki Moon went to at the weekend. That is at 62 S, and while remarkably cold, is about as far away from the Pole as the Faeroe Islands from the North Pole. So Stoltenberg is clearly quite hardcore, although I think it rather poor that he is not visiting Bouvet Island, a small part of the South Atlantic that is forever Norway, or would be but for being uninhabited. In a somewhat rare occurrence, we claimed the Island for over 100 years, at one point under the name Liverpool Island, but waived our claims in 1929 and let our Norwegian friends have it, which is nice. Having consulted a slew of 19th and early 20th century maps, it appears never to have rated being coloured pink as part of the Empire.

As I noted a while back, the claim that Hitler holed up in Antarctica after the war appears to have been debunked, so I imagine that Stoltenberg can claim to be the first Northern Hemisphere head of government to go to the Antarctic.

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Great headlines of our time

Saturday, October 06, 2007
"Missing man found on sofa". Go on, click on it - I am not making this up.

And the detail: "Police will likely investigate after a boat wreck on the shore of Oslo suburb Bærum set off a frantic search. The driver of the boat was relaxing on a sofa at his mother's home while rescue workers searched the sea off Snarøysundet on Thursday night".

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A timeshare air force

Thursday, September 27, 2007
Not here, but that is the proposal on the other side of the North Sea, with the Norwegian Luftforsvaret and the Danish Flyvevåbnet considering a merger:

"A proposal by the Danish People’s Party to establish a co-operative alliance between the Danish and Norwegian air forces has been met with approval by a majority of the parties who voted for the current national defence act....Establishing a joint fighter squadron would help reduce the cost of the investment, according to Hans Christian Skibby, the Danish People’s Party’s defence spokesperson. ‘There are obvious benefits of having a common air force,’ Skibby said. ‘If we operated together, we would need fewer jets than we would if we each had our own air force.’"

Now I am all in favour of avoiding needless government expenditure, and our Norwegian and Danish friends are both in NATO, have avoided fighting each other in a very long time and both have those scary Swedes to worry about. However, what are they going to call it? What manner of fin colours will the planes sport? And, after all, it is an awfully long way from Flensburg to Nordkapp, let alone Thule or Svalbard. I imagine that attempting to maintain air superiority over Bouvet Island is out of the question...

I think it is fair to say that the RAF and l'Armée de l'Air will not be pursuing a merger any time soon.

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">"Drug addicts offered money to vote Labour"

Wednesday, September 19, 2007
That is the claim that has been made, anyway.

Before anyone gets too excited, it is not our own, dear, dear Labour Party, but rather its ideological comrades and fellow Socialist International members, the Norwegian Labour Party (known in those parts as the Det Norske Arbeiderparti) that has been doing its bit to A - get elected and B- keep the smackheads high.

The bribe was not enormous, at NOK 50, or about £4.50. Apparently kebabs were on offer for those junkies suffering more from the munchies than cold turkey.

I suppose it is to the credit of one Else Marie Romset that having been bribed, she did indeed vote for the Labour Party candidate.

As Dizzy pointed out to me, this looks an awful lot cheaper than some of the more indirect bribes / bungs passed the way of our electorate.

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Sad news to anyone with a Geography 'O' level

Sunday, September 16, 2007
Rather than a GCSE or whatever they are called this week.

Anyway, one of the mainstays of Geography O level, or at least the Cambridge Board's version seemed to be Norway - there was all the glaciation and so on, and hill side farming.

And this is the sad bit: Aftenposten notes that "that nearly 100 setre (the plural form for "seter") were shut down in just one year, from 2005 to 2006. More and more of the historic little mountain farms, which generally have been tied to larger farms at lower elevations, are no longer being used".

Doubtless the Norwegians concerned have found better ways to make money, so good for them, but a little part of my adolescence has just died.

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You too can vote in the Norwegian election. Ish

Monday, August 20, 2007
Or at least answer a raft of questions to find out which party best suits one's views. Here is the Valgomat test, which the lovely people at Aftenpost have made available in English.

And my electoral date is with the Progress Party, "The Party advocates free market economics and deregulation of the economy, stricter limits on immigration, especially from immigrants who break the law, closer cooperation with NATO, United States and also Israel in foreign policy, a more controlled state aid to developing countries, social and cultural conservatism, the decentralization of government."

Sounds fairly promising, doesn't it?

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A nation of troll lovers

Tuesday, August 07, 2007
That is what we would appear to be, or at least those of us who holiday in Norway, judging from some wholly unscientific research carried out in a souvenir shop by Norwegian daily Aftenposten:

"Souvenir shop managers that Aftenposten spoke to, said however that tourist from different countries generally buy different souvenirs. The Norwegian jumper is especially popular with Americans, Germans generally prefer a bumper sticker for their car, Britons have a predilection for trolls, while the Spaniards and Italians love the Vikings, said shop manager Tor Fredrik Frøberg".

I think it is to Mr Frøberg's credit that he can tell said nationalities apart. I can't help but think that the Norwegians are possibly missing out the profits from some other choice merchandise - the "My uncle Sven went to Bergen and all I got was this lousy T-Shirt" T-Shirt, a 'Hammer of the Gods' for Led Zeppelin fans and perhaps a series of items commemorating Norway's frequent outbreaks of good sense in shunning EU membership.

Readers sharing my advanced age may have fond memories of O and A Level geography lessons in which one could gain the impression that the entire Norwegian workforce worked fjord-side farms, or maybe that was just me.

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Prudery in Oslo...

Friday, March 16, 2007
I will admit that I had not heard of sculptor Gustav Vigeland, or come to that, the Vigeland sculpture park in Oslo before today. Anyway, said sculptor (a follower of Rodin) filled the park with mainly nude statues between 1907 and 1943.

However, yesterday an irate Norwegian took 'the time to hang bars of black paper over every sex organ and buttock cleft in the series of statues on the park bridge'.

The manifesto left behind is the best bit: "There is too much nudity in newspapers and magazines, so here on the bridge the limit has been reached!" More here

Probably just as well that the contents of the Naples National Archaeological Museum's Gabinetto Segreto have never been exhibited al fresco in Oslo.

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Don't go to Sweden - you might catch something, or get hit by an elk

Saturday, January 20, 2007
Intent on my usual Nordic round up, I discovered that the average Swede took 39.6 days off sick last year. In these parts even the public sector 'only' managed 7 days . The last link is worth clicking as the HSE ties itself in knots trying to justify the goldbricking in the state sector. However, the Swedish statistics must necessarily be skewed by the inclusion of 'health-related early retirement'.

As if all of the Typhoid Emmas and Lukases were not enough to warn off the unwary traveller, "Road accidents involving elk in Sweden jumped 20 percent in 2006"(Source).

Crossing the border, Aftenpost headlines 'Royal terror exercises', and imagine my disaappointment that this does not involve King Harald stomping around Trondheim in a Hillary Clinton mask, Queen Sonja sporting a white sheet and making 'wooh' noises or even the Crown Princess breaking down doors with a fire axe and declaring 'HERE's Mette-Marit!' Ah well.

Finally, I think the Helsingen Sanomat might be suffering from low self-esteem, as it has a page called 'A list of possibly useful links for readers '. Given that one of the early links is to 'the Central Organisation of Finnish Trade Unions', perhaps the questioning tone is not misplaced.

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