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My nomination acceptance speech

C/O the really rather wonderful acceptance speech generator at Radar:

"My Friends, it is with profound humility and great gratitude that I accept your nomination for the presidency of the United States. [Pause for applause.]

Growing up as a young boy in Croydon, where I spent my days studying history so that I could one day go to college, and my nights mining so that I could put some food on the table for my 6 brothers and sisters, I never thought I'd be standing here today. I never thought I'd be standing here after facing an in-growing toenail in Thornton Heath while serving my country as a proud member of the coastguard, or when standing up against pork barrelling while a United States senator, either. But my fellow Americans, I am standing before you today, and for that, I am eternally grateful. [Pause for applause.]

I didn't get here alone, of course. Far from it. Where would I be without my beautiful wife, the missus, who is the smartest person I know? Or my 4 lovely daughters? You mean the world to me. I'm so proud of you.

But tonight isn't about what I've accomplished in the past. It's about what we're going to accomplish going forward. Together. You see, we stand here today at a crossroads. The issues we face—a trying war abroad, an enfeebled economy at home, and an uphill battle against spotted owls—aren't blue or yellow issues. They're America's issues. Dealing with them is going to take a united front.

It's also going to take hard work. Being willing to answer the phone at 3 a.m. Dedication to the task at hand. Which is why, my fellow Americans, I've enlisted the help of the wonderful, talented, Governor Washington to be my vice president—your vice president—to help get this country back on track. His years of judicial experience, willingness to confront the complacent Washington elite head on, and an upstanding reputation for courage are of vital importance to this ticket. I could not be happier.

America, we still have a lot of work to do, but I'm confident that we'll make it through these turbulent times and turn back the enemy. God bless! And God save America".

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Blogger Unsworth said... 10:59 am

No doubt delivered from the dazzling heights of Beulah Hill with its great Spa and mansions.

And is it not in local dialect 'Tarnton Heat'?

You'll be too young to recall 'Balham, Gateway to the South', of course.  

Blogger Croydonian said... 11:03 am

U - It is more Fawntun Eef these days.

Not from the time it was first cracked, but as God is my witness, there is a Gateway Hotel in Balham.  

Blogger Unsworth said... 11:57 am

Of course strictly, it's Balham Hill.

Do they still let rooms by the hour, or am I confusing it with the establissment at Ambleside Avenue in Streatham?  

Blogger Croydonian said... 12:22 pm

I don't believe so - Ma Croydonian stayed there the other week while visiting her progency, and it looked a respectable establishment from what I could see, and she had no complaints. Sister Croydonian tells me that South Clapham is awash with dodgy inns, however.  

Blogger Unsworth said... 4:28 pm

Ah, South Clapham.

A totally different Astral Plane - a bit like Tooting...  

Anonymous Anonymous said... 8:14 am

At about the same time as that Peter Sellars travelogue was issued on Bal Ham (where as it happened I lived at the time), he also did another brilliant political piss-take LP with Tony Newley and Joan Collins entitled "Fool Britannia!" One of the tracks contained a masterclass on how to give a long political speech full of high sounding meaning, but not actually saying anything of substance. Much like what we have been hearing over the past few days. I wonder if one can still find copies of this disc anywhere. My copy disappeared years ago. It would do well with an updated re-issue.  

Blogger Croydonian said... 8:55 am

Nomad - those fine people at Amazon have it in stock.

While on the topic of long gone comics, I am getting nostalgic for my father's Bob Newhart records. Being of a slightly sadistic bent he played 'The Driving Instructor' at my sister just before her first lesson.  

Blogger Unsworth said... 1:26 pm

@ Nomad

Of course Sellars got it very slighty wrong about the relative juxtaposition of Balham to the "verdant grasslands of Battersea Park", but as "night falls on Balham" the "ever changing lights" are still there.
The political speech is on You Tube, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xqNtgVW3Gdo&feature=related as originally on the Best of...

@ Croydonian
From 'The button-down mind of Bob Newhart' I thought. Also try Tom Lehrer.

All of these are best listened to repeatedly in black and white.  

Blogger Croydonian said... 1:35 pm

A gifted wordsmith, Tom Lehrer...  

Anonymous Anonymous said... 4:43 pm

My thanks to Unsworth for that info. Re Lehrer, despite my global peregrinations, including a year in Russia, I do not think I ever (knowingly) met a man from Omsk.  

Blogger Croydonian said... 5:33 pm

I think the nearest I have got to Omsk is either:

Being upbraided for mispronouncing Kazan (albeit by a woman who thought I had a Kenyan accent)


Being tricked into pretending to be Vlidimir from St Petersburg in order to bamboozle a friend of then girlfriend.

So not all, frankly.  

Anonymous Anonymous said... 4:47 pm

Ah fing it's "Fawn Eaf".  

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