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The Croydonian New Year Honours List

I think that we can do rather better than the official honours, so nominations for Man / Woman of the year, Charlatan of the year, Person most adding to the gaiety of the nation etc etc, please.

Rumours that Saddam's hangman acted today purely to impress the judging panel (me), are unconfirmed.
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Anonymous Anonymous said... 11:37 am

Man of the Year - Croydonian by a country mile

Charlatan of the year - Tony Blair

Person who adding most to the joy of Blighty - John Prescott

Writer of the year - Ashley Cole

Cook of the year - Gordon Brown

Stud of the year - Lembit Opik  

Anonymous newmania said... 12:38 pm

"Ashley Cole "..yes agreed the man is a voayge of lyrical imaginings.
" I nearly swerved off the road ..£50,000 , the same offer as before , Is he taking the piss I shouted ..."

(Thats per week)

Man of the Year David Cameron for making the Conservative Pary electable ,ruthlessness , and

" Don`t you want Gordon brown to be leader of the Labour Party I DO !!!!"

Its parochial I know but Emily Thornberry our fatty , voted green MP of the year ,has an unpleasnat aftertaste to her that kicks in and stays there.

Stud of the year has to be PHITCH who Phillipa seems to be obsessed with.( See her description of moist loins no less on my blog)

Cook of the year the Jamie twit who is now as fat as his joke fat suit . Excellent  

Anonymous Mr R said... 2:07 pm

Writer of the year - Wayne Rooney. He signed a 5 book deal. I don't know if he's finished colouring in the pictures in the 1st one yet.

Man of the year - On a bloke level Richard Hammond for surviving that crash and being acutely aware of how lucky he was. On a serious level Cameron gets my vote.

Got to agree with City US on Blair for Charlatan. He should co win it with the whole of the NU Lab front bench.

Cook of the year - the brothers Galvin. Try their place on Baker Street and then wonder why you get ripped off for worse food at other well known establishments.  

Anonymous peter hitchens said... 2:15 pm

Gimp of the year David Cameron

Bufoon of the year john presott

evil scum bag of the year blair

curry saviour of the year Mr R

Semi serious blogger of the yaer.. our host  

Anonymous Mr R said... 2:15 pm

PH - you are too kind sir.  

Anonymous nick drew said... 2:58 pm

comeback of the year = the Ali and Mandy ferret show (2007 promises to be even better)

(close runner-up, Trident Missile System)

lifetime achievement = Peter Hain, he's been arsing around like this since his teens

Gaiety of the Nation = Hazel Blears

special award for sustained manic invention = P.Hitchens  

Anonymous verity said... 3:07 pm

Charlatan, Self-Regarder, Dimwit And All Round Poseur of The Year - it's a cakewalk for Tony Blair.

Sweetie of The Year - Croydonian by a country mile.

Anti-Idiotarian of The Year - American ambassador to the UN John Bolton for consistently giving the finger to the UN and its "resolutions" and refusing to back down.

Self-Righteous Whiner of The Year - against stiff competition, it's got to be Heather Mills. As Jonathan Ross said, "She's such a liar, I wouldn't be surprised to find out she's really got two legs."

International Politician of The Year - John Howard for antidhimmitude and being a stand-up dude. Runner up George Bush for understanding the point of Iraq in the face of all the liberals who just don't get it. Second runner up - Sarkarov for straight talking and antidhimmitude.

Interviewee of The Year - Ann Coulter on Newsnight for slicing Jeremy Paxman off at the knees when she told him to stop asking her if she really believed what she had written in her books "because the answer is always going to be 'yes'".

Disappointment of the Year - David Cameron.

Stable, Dutiful Person of the Year - Our 80 year-old Queen, God bless 'er, for still doing the job she believes she was put on earth to do and setting an example of selfless duty.  

Anonymous peter hitchens said... 3:18 pm

I left out...
Redoubtable, steely yet feminine English woman of the year... my mother!
with Verity a close second (+:  

Anonymous Anonymous said... 3:50 pm

Useful fraud of the year Trevor Phillips ..changed his tune a bit , may be understatement of the year ,but nonetheless , a stiff arm to the throat of multiculturalism

C- Verity has mentioned the Queen and I suspect that rather than leaping to attention you have continued to lounge in that louche slovenly way you feel is modern.
Project of the year , to better inform C of the value of the institution of monarchy .

Verity gets best writer of the year
PHITCH funniest

Humph ; which leave the sexy , charismatic , enthralling and educational categories all for me.

So many to thank…….sob sob sob its amazing.

Predictable disaster of the year The England Cricket Team.

Pervert of the year , against stiff competition ,Simon "The straight choice" Hughes. How can he ?!?!?  

Blogger Croydonian said... 4:40 pm

Some splendid nominations folks.

Most sadly missed: 1 Milton Friedman, =2 Alfred Shermand and Lord Harris

Least sadly missed - UK - Ted Heath, overseas, Saddam.

Least likely to be sadly missed in 2007 - Blair, Brown, Mandelson (I'll settle for retirement from public life).

If we beat Drakes's drum loudly enough will they come back - Thatcher and Tebbit.

The Queen Caroline 'go away at any rate ' award - Jamie Oliver, Carol Vorderman, Linda Barker, all reality TV 'stars'.  

Anonymous hatfield girl said... 4:50 pm

Nicholas Jenkins of the year - David Cameron

J.G Quiggin of the year - Alistair Campbell

Donners of the year - Sir Christopher Evans

Gypsy Jones of the year - Hazel Blears

Billson of the year - Cherie Blair

Mrs Erdleigh of the year - Carol Caplin

Gwinnet of the year - George W. Bush

Dr Trelawney of the year - Peter Mandelson

Odo Stevens of the year - Tony Blair

Widmerpool of the year - Gordon Brown  

Blogger Croydonian said... 4:52 pm

Very literary HG. I'm impressed, although I will confess to not having read 'Dance' yet. It is a treat I'm saving up.  

Anonymous hatfield girl said... 5:00 pm

Filled with envy; fancy having all that pleasure stored in the future.  

Blogger istanbultory said... 5:51 pm

well, Anne Leslie is now a dame. Disappointed to see that Peter Hitchens (either one)didn't pick up a gong.  

Anonymous peter hitchens said... 5:57 pm

HG 4:50
That went roight over me 'ead girl

Uriah Heap or slope- Mandelsohn
Pip - Hazel Blears
Fagin -Brown (obvious)
Toby belch- prescott (falstaff is too sophisticated)
Malvolio-Gordon again ( vengeful and joyless)
HG you have even out read our school swot host.
I was the naughty boy at the back making jokes (still am)

You win HG (+:  

Anonymous peter hitchens said... 5:59 pm

I will confess to not having read 'Dance' yet. It is a treat I'm saving up.

You know C I wake up most mornings thinking the very same thing .  

Anonymous verity said... 6:29 pm

What are you referring to? Dance to The Music of Time? Is it nickenamed 'Dance' among the Croydon drizzled jalepeno olive oil set?

I wasn't taken with it.  

Anonymous hatfield girl said... 7:16 pm

What's jalepeno olive oil? Could I get a grant for it?  

Anonymous newmania said... 7:31 pm

I gasped at the airy reference to “Dance” was there no definite article ..surely an embedded irony. Eating sun dried Tomatoes is likely to get you the ducking stool in Croydon and the mean IQ drops appreciable when I get the train back to Islington (Well I think so)
Righty then ; a dual entry for bravest gag and most laboured one the Whacky Danes….

Please put your
Hands together
Thanks for the Danes who
Have insulted the
Iranian President by embedding the word
Swine in an advert the

Group Placed in the Tehran rag
Admirable cheek

You get it ?  

Anonymous newmania said... 7:32 pm

oops missed the C oh well it was crap anyway  

Anonymous verity said... 7:57 pm

HG - I made jalepeno olive oil up, but I think it could work ...

Newmania - have absolutely no idea what your post means.  

Anonymous peter Hitchens said... 8:41 pm

mr Mania
"C" really does deserve a slap for saying that he is saving "the dance" for a treat doesnt he?
He really is the "John Le Mesurier " of Croydon isnt he?  

Anonymous nick drew said... 8:47 pm

Re Mr NM's post: it's all that brain food they consume in Iz, of which Croydon clearly offers not the equal

My lips are sealed on the subject of what he ate at C's gastro-pub afore Xmas  

Anonymous nick drew said... 8:54 pm

Aha! (sound of penny dropping) slap in the chops for you, Mr Mania, when Someone Else gets it too

(maybe this Croydon food does slow you up)  

Anonymous hg said... 8:54 pm

Verity 7.57 Just had lots of laughing here over enquiry about jalepeno oil. At least you told me; this lot were all for getting the forms.  

Anonymous Anonymous said... 9:01 pm

.Newmania - have absolutely no idea what your post means.

Good , it was a poor idea poorly executed . "Move along move along nothing to see here ".

I was totally convinced by the Jalapeno drizzle Verity and interestingly felt an exciting frisson of shame that I have never heard of them.

I have contenders for the Ghost of Christmas to Come award

1 A 19 year old convicted of beating a man to death drunk ( a woman )
2 the first proposal for installing CCTV is your home ( to protect people in danger of domestic abuse….. )
3 The use of the phrase “ the BBC has distanced themselves from Multiculturalism", in the Guardian”
Funny it was apolitical according to them until recently …coo why would that be?

Praise the lord I have access to news again .Once a year of this family stuff is enough ,..Oh never again do I want to hear voices raised over whether Gili was sufficiently famous for the “Names in the pot “ game .
( He was a tenor Philistines)

By the way is anyone old enough to remember John Prescott giving aid and succour to the Icelanders in the cod war. I `m not really but I do recall the events . I happened to see a reference to his precocious buffoonery in 1976. This shows that some sick puppies should just be humanely put to sleep . Its the kindest thing to do.

Hatfield girl your clever allegorical joke flew majestically over my head like Willy , the whale, when he jumps for freedom. I once moved a video of Free Willy from the family section into the gay porn section . I have always hoped some passing Liberal rented it surreptitiously .Oaten , Hughes ? Lucky they have stalwarts like Kennedy and Opik to keep the ship steady.. Hic hic passat the cheeky girl !  

Anonymous nick drew said... 9:08 pm

Talk about a smokescreen!

Look the other way, look the other way!  

Anonymous peter hitchens said... 9:12 pm

Stud of the year has to be PHITCH who Phillipa seems to be obsessed with.( See her description of moist loins no less on my blog)
I would say that the other PHitch as you know (+:
Anyway I have I have left some "interesting" postings in her comments page.
She sounds barking fucking mad.  

Anonymous peter hitchens said... 9:12 pm

and not in a good way  

Anonymous peter Hitchens said... 9:14 pm

Drunk again Mr Newman?
It always shows.  

Blogger Praguetory said... 9:22 pm

Stud of the year - Lib Dem MP John Hemming again.

Charlatan of the year - BA boss Willie Walsh  

Anonymous nick drew said... 9:28 pm

A slow night all round, nuff said

(whistles innocently & wanders off)  

Anonymous Anonymous said... 9:31 pm

No not drunk and I may have let my focus wander a touch any way PHITCH I have seen your ingratiating cheeky boy -play on said Fortean Blog. Fooling no-one.

John Le Mesurier , a name to roll around the palate like a pricey plonk. I like the scene when he and Mannering were gazing out at the channel on a balmy moonlit dusk
“You know Sir” said Wilson” It really is a rather beautiful evening “
Mannering , severely …“it’s a beautiful country Wilson !”

The heart of the series was in the relationship between these two immortal comic actors, I do have a soft spot for Godfrey though “ My sister Dolly makes an awfully nice Upside Down Cake! “

Did you know that out of the worlds 4,000,000 CCTV units we have 20% in the UK.. Shock !

( Shurrup Drew)  

Anonymous nick drew said... 9:38 pm

Don't panic, Captain Mania, don't panic!

(He doesn't like it up him...)  

Anonymous peter hitchens said... 9:43 pm

You know Mr N
sometimes its a good idea to "go home" and stop making a dick of yourself, especially when you are doing it in your real name (+:
I say this as somebody who likes you in a virtual way.
having made an arsehole of myself in both the real and virtual worlds on many occasions, I know.  

Anonymous newmania said... 10:17 pm

PHITCH -You aren`t peeved with me about the admittedly feeble joke (first letters in the 7.31 post) are you ?(Mis spelt and a crap idea anyway )It would be highly out of character so I will assume not .

I will assume moreover that for some reason I seem out of my box.

Sorry all

...might as well have a few drinks and go and niggle bhownagree some more.

Sigh....life is so cruel  

Anonymous peter hitchens said... 10:36 pm

mr n
allow a friend to accompany you in giving that c*** bhown a shoeing  

Anonymous Anonymous said... 10:55 pm

No need to go elsewhere, gentlemen. Your abuse, please, and make it interesting for a change! I am about to retire to my luxurious bed (equipped with an even more luxurious wife), so you have all night to compose your witticisms at my expense. With the permission of our gracious host, Mr Croydonian, I shall look in again in the morning.  

Anonymous verity said... 11:35 pm

Hatfield Girl - I made it up jalepeño olive oil when writing my post, but actually, I think it could be a go-er. Jalepeños come in all strengths. You have very mild and piquant all the way to "Can I make it to the loo before this sucker blasts its way through my system?"

An olive oil with a mild jalepeño flavour might be good for scrambled eggs, for example, maybe. Or - hey, how about this? -drizzled on a shrimp salad? It would have to be pronounced properly to get the right air of pretentiousness, of course. As in "shrimp" should be pronounced crisply.  

Anonymous Anonymous said... 12:12 am

Eeek!!!He`s here in the very shrine of purity. Squirt him with something nasty someone quickly

O Bhown, thou art sick!
The invisible worm,
That flies in the night,
In the howling storm,

Has found out my bed Of crimson joy;
And his dark secret love Does C`s blog destroy.

I have no wish to abuse you Bhown , I think you are rather sweet. Naturally your luxurious bed is a scattering of old Guardians and your luxurious wife as much an imaginative confection as Brown commitment to the Unionist cause. .None of this merits any sort of disapproval .Given incentives and denied the fetid embrace of the state your ears will prick and your nostrils snort. I feel certain you can lift your self from your mendicant status in a jiffy.
Aim high , in a matter of months you might be a qualified tour guide or dare I say it , a hairdresser.

See how the bracing wind of Conservatism tweaks at your rags imploring you upward. One step begins every long journey one small and seemingly insignificant decision. Something as ordinary as a bar of soap …….  

Anonymous verity said... 12:57 am

Oh, yuck! Out of here!  

Anonymous Anonymous said... 8:04 am

E for effort, Newmania.

Ironic that you quote Blake, who, as I recall, was not exactly a high Tory. I have no wish to destroy anyone's blog, still less that of Mr C, a gent.

See you around!  

Anonymous Anonymous said... 10:28 am

I forgot George Galloway as winner of 'Churchill' statesman of the year.

Who could forget his many fine achievements. Among them pretending to be a cat in the big brother house.  

Anonymous newmania said... 10:34 am

not exactly a high Tory....

Maybe not but I feel certain that this small business man would have seen the horror of Brown`s vicous marginal rates of taxation and deplored the animated cadavre of the state snuffling at our very doors

CU he is the heir to Tony Benn who has unfortunately ascended into the status of "National treasure". We seem to need one blithering goon for the slapstick merriment of the nation at all times

I `m not keen myself  

Blogger Croydonian said... 11:42 am

The 'Croydon drizzled jalepeno olive oil set' comment nearly gave me a seizure. Wisecrack of the year.

Mancherjee Bhownagree was a stout Conservative, which one might note when considering the appropriateness or othwerwise of references. I thought N's Blake parody was rather good.  

Blogger Croydonian said... 11:45 am

As a footnote, I know someone who claims to have been Mrs Le Mesurier's bit on the side.  

Anonymous newmania said... 12:10 pm

Pike`s mum?

Is Bhownagree a Tory then , I did wonder?Frankly he seems to funny to be a Lefty  

Blogger Croydonian said... 12:17 pm

Now there's a thought.

Bhownagree was one of us. He was nicknamed 'Bow and agree' as his ideological opponents considered him something of a sycophantic toady. One might note he was the MP for Bethnal Green North East....  

Anonymous newmania said... 1:35 pm

Well I have never heard him express anything explicitly political he seems interested in the gossip and badinage , it would be a superb extended performance. The only time he becomes a little tetchy is on the subject of race .He has les than no interest in Social policy
Perhaps there is another clue in the name .There is a distinct tincture of the second language in his overly ornamented style a little Jamset Ram Singh …I think it highly possible he is a Conservative of Sub Continental extraction . He seems overly educated for the bourgeois class he obviously comes from and this would also be explained. He is conducting a huge joke and hugging himself and his ability to outwit the children of the mother country

Well that’s my guess anyway  

Anonymous verity said... 1:57 pm

Wasn't Mrs LeMesurier Hattie Jacques?  

Blogger Croydonian said... 2:04 pm

She was the second Mrs JLM of three, apparently. A bit of research shows this to have been Mr Le Mesurier's self-penned death notice in The Times: 'Wishes it to be known that he conked out on November 15th. He sadly misses family and friends'.  

Anonymous Anonymous said... 3:50 pm

hattie jaques was a rampant nympho , poor mr JLM had to take it in his stride  

Anonymous Anonymous said... 4:25 pm

Alas, Newmania, your far-off-the-markness is exceedingly great!

As a matter of fact I'm bored with this now and may as well fess up. There are two Bhownaggrees (well, one Bhownaggree and me). When the original and indeed insufferable Bhown surfaced on Fawkes's blog, I bagged the alternative spelling and began posting absurdly overblown NuLab propaganda. The objects were these:

1. To heat up the tank so that when the real Bhown returned he would find the water inexplicably boiling.

2. To be ready for his return so that I might have 2 Bhowns on the go at once, answering his posts with withdrawals, self-contradictions, surreal amplifications, u.s.w.

3. To goad and confuse the self-satisfied and generally rather moronic commenters in Tory blogland; for the image they project is often nasty and narrow-minded.

I am by no means in favour of Mr Broon, or any politician come to that. MPs are now, as ever, a bunch of self-serving, incompetent twats who only make trouble for the rest of us. I was interested to hear the revelations (released under the 30-year rule) about Callaghan's time; I still remember that cretin Healey as Chancellor. Inflation was so bad that the very best investment one could make was to stock up on tinned food and bogrolls. Much the same awaits us, for the same reasons (public spending out of control), when Brown's chickens come home to roost.

Anyway, that's that. Bhownagree Mk II is now signing off. Roger and out.  

Anonymous newmania said... 7:32 pm

Au Contraire Bhown the on the markfulness of my aim is demonstrably exceedingly good . I detected a preening delight in your own writing and a sense of class superiority.With the slightest of(entirely deliberate) tweaks you have picked up your ball and rushed sobbing from the game.


Having said that I enjoy your stuff and hope to see you re-surface in some guise or other.

Cheerio masked blogger  

Anonymous Anonymous said... 4:59 pm

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.  

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