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New careers for the cabinet

I was doing a little light ruminating on better job fits for members of the cabinet, in the light of the recurring thought that so many of them appear to be out of their depth, and reckon we can have some fun with this:

Blair - 'QVC' presenter
Prescott - Gangmaster
Brown - Self-important bookkeeper for a small business.
Falconer - Ambulance chasing personal injury lawyer
Jacqui Smith (Chief Whip) - ?
Jack Straw - Timeshare salesman
Jowell - Vicar's wife
Browne - Insurance clerk
Benn - Preacher
Armstrong - (is it just me, or does she look like a transsexual?) Thuggish PE teacher
Johnson - Second hand car salesman
Milliband - Low level IT geek
Beckett - Ticket inspector
Hewitt - Personnel bod (and a very bad one)
Reid - Debt collector
Darling - The 'before' model for hair dye
Scotland - Bouncer at a wimmin only bar
Kelly - NCT organiser (a very worthy organisation, for what that's worth)
Hain - Estate agent
Alexander - bag carrier / yes man for a tycoon with a fragile ego
Timms - Poster boy for the advantages of birth control
Blears - Nursery teacher (and we know from the Danny Dewsbury video that she can't stack supermarket shelves....)
Hutton - Hapless lab assistant, much like Honeydew's assistant, Beaker, in The Muppets.

I will mull further, and add in further thoughts.... Meanwhile, over to you.

Here's a link to the cabinet (with photos) to help familiarise more obscure ones.
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Anonymous Anonymous said... 10:44 am

These are very saintly thoughts indeed......  

Blogger Croydonian said... 10:46 am

I expect some of them will be in need of careers counselling....  

Anonymous Anonymous said... 11:12 am

lol. second the croydonian..  

Blogger Praguetory said... 11:32 am

I've been ruminating on something not wholly OT. What to say to wind up Leftie bloggers? My favourite so far is "the Blearite wing of the party".  

Blogger Croydonian said... 12:06 pm

Even NuLab true believers find our Haze an embarassment, don't they?  

Anonymous Anonymous said... 1:33 pm

you have excelled yourself
who could better that lot?

Patricia Hewitt .. Doctors receptionist  

Anonymous Anonymous said... 1:36 pm

David Miliband ,the maths teacher who longs for the days when it was legal to throw a board rubber at a nuisance pupil  

Anonymous Anonymous said... 1:37 pm

ex minister David Blunkett
piano tuner
A level to which he should never have been permitted to rise above.  

Blogger Croydonian said... 1:54 pm

Great stuff PH.

I had a maths teacher who was a deadeye with a board rubber. I'm not entirely sure about his sanity though, as his favourite joke went thus:

"Name a fish with 11 letters, beginning and ending with W".

"Walthamstow. It is a place"....  

Anonymous Anonymous said... 2:19 pm

Reid , for me he is the borderline deranged Park Bloke with one of those little tractor mowing machines.  

Anonymous Anonymous said... 2:24 pm

my maths teacher was called peter kellock
A great bloke, a fanatic for classic buses and star trek, my school had its own private fleet of ancient buses (still does) that set out every morning, driven by school masters, to pick up the sons and daughters of the Cheshire middle class who couldn't face putting their little darlings through the state sector or boarding them.
In the late 1970's he wore bespoke early 1960's suits and swore that kipper ties and flares were for "poofs" (as worn by the rest of the staff) and was a dead eye with a board rubber or if sat down a pencil.  

Anonymous Anonymous said... 2:27 pm

lol mania
definitely grounds keeper willy material.
That or an NCP car parking attendant, maybe an overly officious chairman of the local bowling club in his dotage.  

Anonymous Anonymous said... 2:43 pm

Tony Blair - Head salesman on the Jaguar showroom floor in LA.

Gordon Brown - Self-important bookkeeper is good. I would give him an alternative opportunity to work on the public enquiries desk at a local HM Inland Revenue office.

Margaret Beckett as a ticket inspector was absolutely inspired!

Don't agree with second-hand car salesman for Alan Johnson. Postie.

John Prescott - Gangmaster. Inspired!

Alastair Campbell - Anything you need or want, he can get off the back of a lorry. Cash only. Any of his suppliers who cross him ends up in concrete overshoes at the bottom of the Thames.

Cherie Blair - manager of a job centre.

Euan Blair - aspirant rock star if only he could come up with a look that doesn't set people to tittering.  

Blogger Croydonian said... 2:57 pm

Re Broon, imagine what a struggle it would be getting one's expenses signed off, especailly if they had involved client entertainment...

Mini sidetrack on Peter's maths teacher. Many years ago when The Spectator was a cover to cover good read, there was an item on omnibologists (bus enthusiasts), and it was one of the funniest things I have ever read anywhere. It featured tales of a man who recorded bus noises and then played them back in his car, a man who crawled under buses to collect chasis numbers, and the man with the world's largest collection of bus tickets, making him the envy of the bus spotting community. Still, other folks' enthusiasms always seem a bit odd to outsiders.  

Anonymous Anonymous said... 3:01 pm

The Euan Blair was inspired, just like his clown father, wants to be "cool" but never will be.

Charles Clarke
Librarian that has never had sex that he didn't have to pay for.

Ruth Kelly
Primary school teacher who is unable to keep order (estelle morris also fits)

Hazel blears
Overly cheery bank clark or new and enthusiastic checkout woman
Hazel "how are you today?"
Me (says) " urgh" (thinks) "hurry up bitch , I dont come here to socialise"  

Anonymous Anonymous said... 3:05 pm

obesssive "collecting" is something we are a prone to.
Why do you thing eBAY is so popular?  

Anonymous Anonymous said... 3:08 pm

Someone should nip over to the Friday Caption Competition on Guido's and tell the participants about this thread.  

Blogger Croydonian said... 3:09 pm

I could imagine a fair few of them would make an initial fist of being chuggers (charity muggers - those people who buttonhole you in the street and try to get you to give them your bank details for causes of varying worths). Can't see any bar Blears and Jowell having the stamina though.  

Anonymous Anonymous said... 3:11 pm

Euan Blair - Saturday boy at the local hairdresser in medium-sized market town.  

Anonymous Anonymous said... 3:12 pm

Charlie Falconer- contact man for Alastair Campbell's customers. He engages people in conversation in the saloon bar.  

Blogger Croydonian said... 3:13 pm

PH - Freud reckoned that collecting is the sign of being an anal retentive - collectors are trying to regain all the stools snatched away by one's parents, or if sufficiently wealthy, one's nanny during infancy.

V - Modesty forbids me to do it, but I would have absolutely no objections....  

Anonymous Anonymous said... 3:13 pm

Euan Blair - Dog walker.  

Anonymous Anonymous said... 3:19 pm

I am am a "collector" myself
Nothing as sad as bus chasis numbers.
I also hate to throw things away , not in a trebus way , more in a
"it may come in handy one day" kind of way  

Anonymous Anonymous said... 3:19 pm

verity said...
Euan Blair - Dog walker.

that is daddy Blairs job (+:  

Anonymous Anonymous said... 3:24 pm

Dog Walker -Delicious Verity , may I compliment you on your recent cat burlesque BTW

Peter Hain the unctuous old assistant in the shoe shop, or overly attentive fitting room assistant for men
Margaret Beckett , I can’t get past Dinner Lady although poisoner is as likely

Buff Hoon – He looks like an old roué come gigalo to me preying on the Jewish health club set .” He has the gift of tongues you know Cackle cackle”  

Anonymous Anonymous said... 3:30 pm

PHitch - Verity
that is daddy Blairs job (+:

Only when he's out with Cherie.

You won the T-shirt over at Guido's if you didn't know, BTW. V well deserved. That was hysterical.  

Blogger Croydonian said... 3:42 pm

Blears as a rather useless but VERY enthusiastic holiday rep, perhaps?  

Anonymous Anonymous said... 5:17 pm

ok C how is this?

Blears, a grief counsellor (from hell)
Hoon,a provincial barrister (hang on)
Prescott , an undertakers assistant
Gerald Kaufman, porn shop proprietor (self help variety)
Beckett, the proprietor of a small town ladies outfitters
Blair, provincial dentist who gases then molests his patients (both sexes)
Brown , loner who lives on benefits  

Blogger Stan Bull said... 10:20 pm

Gerald Kaufman as a porn shop proprietor- now there's a scenario to contemplate.
But Mr Croydonian,
I really must take vehment exception to the idea that Emily could be a presenter on the QVC channel. They'd never want him as his presence would serve only to lower the tone of the channel. Surely.
Alternative careers.....
Emily- some kind of slimey corporate lobbyist, probably for big pharma or suchlike.
Hain, a positively radioactive, sun bed shop proprietor.
Straw, manager of the Croydon branch of Oxfam.
Hutton, deputy manager of the Croydon branch of Oxfam.
Milliband - chief Librarian at Croydon central library.
Johnson- contract killer with no ties to Croydon.

The rest of them are so stunningly mediocre... and should have made it no further than middle-management positions somewhere in Coventry Council.  

Anonymous Anonymous said... 11:26 pm

Armstrong does look like a trav. She is the only one i would spend a night with for that reason. Yummyyyy  

Blogger Croydonian said... 12:33 am

PH - Quality dude, quality. Especially Broon.

It - Do I detect a smidgen of Croydophobia ("a challenge to us all"....?

Anon 11.26 - A chacun son gout...  

Anonymous Anonymous said... 1:58 am

Blears - one of those very lower management females are always in charge of "corporate induction" courses, power dress to hide their insignificance and dream of the day they will be finally allowed to move on to the next rung and be on the course instead of running it. Spends her spare time ensuring the corrent number of red, green and blue magic markers are ready for the next session.

Prescott - slum landlord who spends all his time in the bookie, the cafe or the next-door boozer with his equally washed-up mate Scargill.

Reid - absolutely bang-on. Definitely something of the 'Barry The Baptist' about him. Can just see Reid in a cheap sheepskin, smelling of cheap lager and Brut and kicking in another loan defaulter's door.

Blair - one of those awful salesreps who spends his time 'motivating' his staff (Milliband and Jowell) to sell more. Prone to stupid 80's Wall Street quotes like 'No Pain, No Gain', 'Greed is Good' and so on. Known behind his back as 'Swiss Tony'.  

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